Tomorrow

Here's a confession...so far I think I've been in hiding. I think I just realized it. I have avoided face to face visits and phone calls. I've been in touch with family and friends, but it's all been by internet or texting.

Can't quite explain why, but I think it's because I'm avoiding really accepting reality. At home Mommy duties never stop so I've been as busy as ever. It's easy to hide out at home. Get up, put a smile on, put one front in front of the other, do the next thing, and rarely will the kiddos notice anything different. And it's just so busy. One meal runs into the next, clean up, pick up, (actually I've been slacking on a lot of this) diapers, discipline, etc. It's not until the kids go to bed at night that I even stop to think about really anything at all. Oh all the emotion is there, I just cover it up with all the daily duties. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but not the emotions. Does that make sense at all? And I feel so tired and so weary. So beat up. But no, I can't stop, can't slow down, 'cause then it will all catch up to me. I've had PLENTY of offers to help out with the kids or meals or whatever, but I've turned it all down because then I might be free...free to think, free to feel. Nope. I don't feel like any of that right now.

I'm actually feeling so anxious about church tomorrow. I know that everyone is going to look at me with sad eyes, and then I have no choice but to face reality. Ugh!!! I just don't feel like doing this. I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel like being face to face or talking or getting hugged on. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of being sad. I've traveled this road too many times, and I don't want to be on it again. I really don't want to be the center of this kind of attention. I don't want people to ask me questions like how many times will you let yourself be hurt like this. I really HATE that question!! I really just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed for a long, long time. Of course I know that eventually I would have to get up, and Jude would still be gone. Eventually I would have to go out, and my family and friends would still be hurting for me and with me. Yep, I've got to face reality. It just hurts, and I don't want to.

But you know, grief is such a crazy thing because I'm so very, very grateful to be loved by so many. I'm so thankful that family and friends will seek me out to talk to me, call me, hug me, cry with me, grieve with me. I know that the questions almost always come from genuine concern and love. So please don't avoid me if you see me in church. Like I said, grief is a crazy thing...if you avoided me because of what I just wrote I would probably be even more sad. Just don't expect to much. There's no rhyme or reason to how I'm feeling from one moment to the next. There's just no understanding it. Some of you know that far to well.

Oh and please don't worry about the all the running and hiding, experience tells me that I can't out run it forever. Eventually it will catch me. Eventually I will face reality. Going to the hospital to deliver a baby that I will never know this side of heaven, saying good bye, and leaving the hospital with empty arms...yeah it'll catch up to me. And I will be OK.

Sorry this one is such a downer...I'm just trying to prepare myself for tomorrow.

**Note I've edited this twice. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or scared to see me or scared to say the wrong thing. But I don't feel like myself. I feel so numb and weird and I feel like I need to be prepared for tomorrow and also warn my friends and explain why I've not returned calls. I guess all I can say is what I've already said, you just can't explain this grief thing. I really want to know that everyone is there...loving me, supporting me, praying for me, but also I just don't want to deal with it right now. So now, I'm just rambling....