Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I wrote the post below on October 12th...exactly 5 weeks ago. There were some great things starting to happen when I composed this post, but I was still really struggling. I wrote it, read over it, and just went...UGH!!! I wasn't ready to share it. I honestly still felt so fragile, weak, and weary. I felt like some parts were just too much, too personal. A lot has happened in 5 weeks. I'm so, so glad that I wrote it. I can look back and see the hand of the Lord. He was moving!! The Lord has been so good. I'm getting stronger every week. There are still moments when the grief and sadness can be overwhelming, but it's definitely better. I can look at pictures of myself from the first few weeks and see such a deep sadness. I really did not even want my picture taken in those days, but sometimes I conceded. Even if I'm smiling in the picture, it's not my smile. It's empty. Now, I've got my smile back. I'm no longer making myself and my family crazy with self destructive busyness. Of course it's still busy, but now it's just normal crazy busy not crazy psycho busy. :) I feel strong enough to share now. It's long but stick with it because I wrote about those great things I mentioned above. At the time I did not know it, but they proved to be turning points in my healing process. I'm hoping to follow this with more updates soon. Don't forget as you are reading through the post below, it was written 5 weeks ago.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The question I get most often these days is... "How am I/we doing?" I thought I
would take some time tonight to answer these questions here tonight.
As for how we are doing, Wesley is amazing and has loved me so tenderly since our most recent loss. It definitely effects him too and I know he's also hurting, but it is and has always been different for him and he would tell you the same thing himself. The kiddos had a very rough time at first. Telling them was sheer torture. That first night they cried so long and hard. Grace and Mary Ruth shared secret plans that they had made for Jude's birth and homecoming. Luke grieved the loss of another brother and recognized that he might never have a brother. Bella Peace kept saying she was sad too. It was so sad and so hard. In the next few days, the girls really struggled with things like being scared of the dark, scared to be in the room by their self. When I asked why Grace confessed that she was afraid that something else bad would happen, that maybe something else would happen to someone in our family. We've talked a lot and they are definitely doing much better.
Recently someone asked me what the kiddos understand and how do they cope and how have they coped with so many losses. The thing is that, just like scripture talks about, children have such an amazing, trusting faith. We've explained that God creates all babies in the mother's womb and that he has a plan for each child he creates. Sometimes that plan includes a long life here on Earth and sometimes it doesn't. Obviously we all hope for a long life here on Earth, but we have to trust Him when He decides otherwise. They accept that they have brothers in Heaven and that they will see them again as long as they trust in and follow Jesus. They are quick to share about their brothers in Heaven and it comes easy and natural for them. They also have such a great appreciation for life and the miracle of life. They don't take the miracle of a newborn baby for granted. From the time they know that I am pregnant, they pray earnestly for Mommy and The Baby. They also regularly pray for others that we know who are pregnant. Does it still hurt? You bet! Do they still grieve? Of course. Do they fully understand? Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth have a very good understanding. Does it kill me and Wesley to see them hurting and grieving? Oh, how it does. Some ask us if we should stop for this reason. You know what, that is a very difficult question. It's not one that we take lightly. It's one that we cannot answer on our own.
As for me. Well sometimes are better than others, but for sure things are getting better and easier. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but at least I'm still gaining ground. There are sometimes that things seem to be going so well and then something will happen or something will remind me and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach...AGAIN! Like I saw an advertisement for a movie recently and there was a scene of a woman in the delivery room getting ready to have a baby and I just gasped out loud. I felt anguish over the fact that would have been me in a few months and now it won't be. And then there was a day last week when I opened my calendar to see what we had going on for the rest of the week and my eyes instantly fell to "20 weeks". I had marked my calendar all the way to 40 weeks before losing Jude. It was fun to watch the weeks tick by, but now it's just a sad reminder. And there's so many others times like these. Then there are what I call the "little things". The "little things" that happen each and every day that seem harder than normal to cope with.
In general I would describe the way I feel by saying I feel very frail. I'm easily overwhelmed, frustrated, or stressed. I guess I feel like I should not have to deal with the little upsets of life while I'm navigating through an ocean of deep, treacherous big stuff. I often feel shock that this happened....AGAIN. I often look at my life, and I can hardly believe that I've loved and lost 4 baby boys that I had developed such a bond with and 1 baby that I never really knew. 5 miscarriages. FIVE!! Is this really my life? REALLY?!! Sometimes all the "spiritual right things" that people generally say are comforting, but honestly right now most of the time they are not very comforting because they don't change the fact that Jude is no longer here. And, I already know all those things. I honestly feel like this time it's just me and the Lord and it's something I have to work through with Him alone and nothing anybody says or does provides much comfort or help. I know this is sounding harsh. It's really not as harsh as it sounds. It's just the way I'm grieving right now. It's more private than it's been before, and that's very different for me. It's heavy. Very heavy. And very deep. But I feel like I am where God wants me, and He's doing something through this. Something I don't understand, but something. Hopefully something beautiful.
One of the ways I've always coped with my grief is by keeping myself very, very, very busy. When things get really hard, I find whatever I can do so that I can escape the really hard big thing that I'm running from. I run and run and run until I fall in the bed in sheer exhaustion and fall instantly to sleep so that I don't lie there and think. Sometimes keeping busy can be a good thing so that you are not just sitting around in doom and gloom and dwelling on all the bad, but honestly at times I've made myself so busy that it's been somewhat self destructive. I recently realized that once again I was doing this, but this time I could actually see the toll it was taking on me and my family. There must be some balance. Fortunately, the Lord made me aware of it. I've confessed it to Wesley so that he could me avoid this trap, and it's gotten better.
I've said this to a few close friend and family members, but there are so many things that are different about miscarriage or infant loss. I'm not saying harder, just different. For one thing there are so many more anniversaries or special days to face without that new baby. I will always remember the day that I found out we were expecting Jude and the day that I found out he was a boy and the day that we shared that news with family and friends and what his due date should have been and the date we actually found out we lost him and the date that he was actually born. Then of course there are days like Mother's Day and Baby Dedication. Then there are days every week I hold special memories like how special Thursdays were because I always went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and got to see Jude. Wednesdays are hard because that was the day of the week that marked another new week of pregnancy. Tuesdays are hard because that is the day I actually delivered and saw and held Jude. And even when these start to fade and hurt less there will be times that it seeks up on me. I know that it's true because we lost Samuel in October 2006 and I still have these times of remembrance and heartache for him.
I'm also sad that I was pregnant with so many of my girlfriends and now I'm not. I am genuinely excited about all these new babies and as a family we pray for them, I'm just sorry that I'm no longer in that club. I'm no longer sharing my pregnancies woos and updates and planning and preparing for a newborn. Instead I've recently planned for and carried out a funeral. Instead of adjusting my budget for new baby expenses, we planned and worked in medical bills and funeral expenses. All of these things sting just a little...ok sometimes a lot. I really don't want this to make anyone feel awkward, because I really am thrilled to help you welcome your newborns - just wish I was doing it with you.
I have to tell this story...my hardest day by far occurred a little over a week ago. I won't get in to the nitty gritty specifics, but I had way, way over extended myself. I had committed to far to many things, and I wasn't doing any of them well. We were all in the van coming home pretty late one night. I was driving so Wesley could get a little sleep since he had to get up early the next morning for the paper route. Everyone was asleep. I was all alone with my thoughts. I had made a pretty major goof that day, and I was honestly loathing myself for it. I felt like pounding my head on the steering wheel or inflicting some other form of harm to myself, because I was really just that upset about the mistake that I had made. I started feeling very, very frustrated with the Lord for not "showing up" more or bigger in my life. Wesley and I had recently seen the movie Courageous and while I LOVED it I was also wrestling with some things in that movie. Without spoiling the movie I will say that there is a scene in there where a man is praying out loud and on the spot God shows up big and answers the man's prayers very directly and very specifically. So then I'm thinking about my own life and having a conversation with the Lord where I'm just asking Him where He is and why He's not showing up and showing off big in my life. I found myself thinking about the scene in the movie. Actually I had been mulling it over that scene every since I saw the movie. I kept asking myself and the Lord if He really works that way anymore or was that just another scene in a movie. I felt like it had been forever since I had seen him show up in such a big way in real life. I was basically having a fit, tantrum, pity party before the Lord. I was kind of praying, kind of demanding that He show me something!! Then within a few minutes the thing that I had goofed up on, the Lord restored and made right!! A phone call from a friend, and the goof was fixed. Just like that!! Within a few more minutes He answered a very direct prayer in an amazing way. He used an anonymous friend and a small package at our front door to meet me right where I was. To show Himself when I really, really needed to see Him. To give me GRACE when I needed it most. No name, no note. Just that little package and a verse of scripture written on a index card reminding me, reminding us of who HE is and how He cares for us!! He did not have to do that. I sure did not desire it. Grace. Tears...oh so many tears as I definitely felt humbled and sorry for my anger and ugly attitude, and I also felt gratitude for the Lord once again showing Himself mighty and faithful. I sure wish I knew which friend responded to the Lord's prompting. You cannot know how much I needed that or how blessed I was!! If you are reading this, thank you!!
Here's another cool story to. First I have to give a little background info. One thing that I have felt and said over and over is that I don't feel like myself. I don't. And I'm not myself. I've done some crazy things and made some big, sometimes costly, goofs. I've forgotten commitments, missed appointments, and given away things (important things) that I did not intend to give away. I've grieved differently and processed things differently and at times just not recognized this person in my skin. One day I said this to one of the most precious people I know. I'd said it again and again to her, but this day she responded by saying that maybe I did not feel like my old self because I'm not my old self. Then she said it..."you're being made new." WOW!! To think...He's growing and changing me each and every day. He makes all things beautiful in His time. He is continuing to complete the work He began in me. He is molding me into the likeness of Christ. This has been probably the most profound and comforting thoughts to me recently. Ahhhh, I feel wind in my sails and a breath of fresh air. Such a sweet, sweet reminder. Thank you so much Precious Friend!! I LOVE you dearly!!
Still one foot in front of the other, sometimes falling down, sometimes slipping backwards, but gaining ground.
