First, Elizabeth and I are doing very well. I'm 23 weeks tomorrow. Everything still seems to be perfect. Wesley just started his summer schedule which allows him to be home in the evenings. We all love this. He's also taking great care of all of us as usual. And, he's very motivated these days to "get things done". Luke and Grace are enjoying a break from school. Luke is loving the great outdoors. Grace's Kindergarten Graduation was last week. Mary Ruth can't wait to start school. And, Bella Peace is growing in new ways everyday. She gave up her pacifier last Sunday and started potty training (doing very, very well) today. There's so much more to say. So much more has been going on. Fun times.
It may seem sad that after this long break my primary season for getting on here tonight is to write about Joshua and not all the great things going on in our lives right now. But, this is my way of remembering. I don't want to forget. Joshua was and is our son. He want to remember him and HIM. So, tonight I'm remembering. Yes, it's sad. But, I have grown. My faith has increased. Sorrow and joy are very intermingled.
So it was exactly one year ago today. The date was May 20, but it was the Wednesday of this same week. Without a thought that something might be wrong, I went to the doctor at a little over 15 weeks pregnant with the kiddos for a regular OB appointment and found out that something was wrong, very wrong. The next morning Thursday, May 21 I went back for another ultrasound and confirmed what I had been told the day before. "Your baby appears to be dying." I remember crying out to God all day long on Wednesday, May 20 last year begging Him to let our baby live knowing that His will may be different than what I desired. I didn't understand why in His sovereignty He chose to take our baby. I still don't understand. Even though we had lost 2 baby boys before Joshua, losing Joshua was hard. Very hard. I think it's because I was just so caught off guard. I didn't see it coming. Not me. Not again. I questioned God more than ever. My faith was challenged and tested. I guess what I've learned more than anything else is that He can take it. He can take our questions, our anger. Ultimately, my faith is stronger. I know that He can bring me through very dark times. I trust Him more. Crazy, huh?
Last week one of my dearest and closest friends went into the same doctor's office and looked at the same ultrasound monitor while the same ultrasound tech saw practically the same thing. What? How could this be happening like this. Almost exactly a year later. In almost the same way. This week, I've walked an all too familiar road with this friend. It's heartbreaking. Devastating. Instead of grieving for Joshua, I've been very preoccupied with grieving with my friend. All I can really say is, "This ain't heaven." While we walk on this earth we are going to face trials, hurts, sorrows. Scripture promises it. Quite frankly, it sucks. It really does. But, God will turn our mourning into dancing. Joy will come in the morning. He will give us beauty for ashes. He will make all things beautiful in His time. He loves us more than we can fathom. He will use this for our good and His glory. At times when you are in the midst of the pain, this doesn't always offer much comfort. But, truth is truth. And this is true.
Rachael, my heart breaks with yours. I love you friend.
I started a post quite a while back that I never finished where I included this picture of my kids with Rachael's.
She and I were so excited to FINALLY be pregnant at the same time, due close to each other. When she shared the news with me, I remember immediately praying and asking God to allow both of us to have our babies because I knew that it would hurt for either of us to be in the position to carry on without the other. That's exactly what He's asked of us. I'm continuing to carry Elizabeth while Rachael has had to say good-bye. Lord, help us both.
This picture isn't complete. It won't be this side of heaven.
This ain't heaven.
Sweet baby Joshua. I miss you. I think of you and wonder what you would have looked like. Who would you have looked like? What kind of personality would you have had? So many questions. I imagine you playing with your siblings and with the children of our friends. I love you sweet boy. I can't wait until I meet you face to face. I haven't forgotten. I never will. Your Daddy and siblings remember you too. Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth often still talk of you. They tell people that they have 3 brothers in heaven. I know that you are complete, perfect, healthy, happy, and glorifying your Creator in Heaven. That comforts me. I know that you have welcomed another sweet one this past week. It makes me smile to know that Rachael and I have children who are friends in Heaven just like our children are friends on Earth. What a sweet thought. Love you forever.
