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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Surprises are so fun!!! (most of the time)

Well today we had another delivery at the door!! We are loving these!! SO FUN!! I have to say, I underestimated my children. Yesterday they picked up on the fact that there had been a "first day of Christmas" and a "second day day of Christmas". So they got the idea that maybe there would be twelve days of Christmas. Maybe this would go on for 12 DAYS!!!! OH they were excited. Several times today they brought it up asking me, "Mommy do you think that there will be another gift today." So then it happened. We were getting ready to have a late dinner. I was setting the table. The kids are just kind of running around. Then Luke says, "I think I heard a car drive up." I had no idea that he was going to run over and open the door. I came around the corner just in time to see him jump back from the door and push it back closed. He looked scared to death!!! For a moment everyone just held their breath. Luke's eyes were as big as two moons. It seemed like an eternity passed before anyone said anything. Then the room erupted with squeals, laughter, and questions. "What Luke? Is there something at the door." Still looking shocked out of his mind he says, "Mommy it was a man!!" Ha ha ha!! I really hate that Luke went over and snatched the door open. I wonder what this "man" thought? Did it scare him as much as it scared Luke?

The kiddos had kind of been on the look out for our special friend. They had gone over to the window and looked out a couple of times. I told them to stay away from the window, because I honestly did not want them to take away from the fun by solving the mystery. I honestly did not see the whole deer in the headlight front door encounter coming. Later I realized that Luke had been watching the clock like a hawk. That boy made note of the fact that the doorbell rang around 6:30ish last night. Speaking of the doorbell ringing, I don't think it did tonight. Guess our friend never had the chance. Anyway, Luke was really on the look out tonight. Also he's such a boy. I don't know how he heard a car drive up in all the chaos and noise that occurs in our home, but he did. He's the man around the house for a big part of almost each day, guess he makes a point to observe these kind of things. I'm not saying whether or not Luke recognized "the man". But regardless of whether he did or not I told him not to spoil the surprise for us or for the special friends behind these fun surprises!! So the questions continued as we enjoyed our meal. Luke was it Daddy? Luke did you see the man? Luke are you sure it was a man? Luke what did he look like?

I can't quit thinking about the surprise for "the man" on the other side of the door. I mean, clearly it scared the living day lights out of Luke. Was it the same for him? Also I sure hope our special friend did not drive away too disappointed in the fact that he had a front door scare. It has not at all taken away from the fun of these surprise!! Like I said, I underestimated my kiddos!!

Tonight's surprise, a coloring book, crayons, and fun erasers. The kiddos dove in immediately after dinner. And, Bella Peace played with the erasers all night.

I had a couple of other surprises today. One was so incredibly thoughtful, precious, and sentimental that I need to recognize some special friends before posting about it. Another surprise was a packaged delivered by USPS. We haven't opened it yet, although the kiddos are going wild to do so. It's a Christmas present. I have to admit, I'm pretty anxious to open it myself.

We also had the other kind of surprise. It was the car demands immediate repairs 10 days before Christmas kind of surprise. Ugh!! I have some thoughts about that kind of surprise too. I hope to find time to get my thoughts in writing soon. You know lately I've had a hard time writing about the heavier things in life. I have so many thought swirling though my head and have so much to say, but finding the time to really organize my thought on the deep stuff just seems nearly impossible. So hopefully soon.

Also my emotions have been all over the place!! If you are male, stop reading now b/c I'm about to share TMI (too much info).....

So another not so nice surprise was the realization that my moodiness (remember I said I was cranky yesterday), irritability, emotional state, and headache were in fact classic symptoms of PMS. Really I should have recognized it a day or two ago. Tonight I thought, well if I were pregnant I would not have to deal with all this PMS. I immediately (almost) laughed at myself, because it occurred to me how totally ridiculous that thought was. Yeah, if I were pregnant I would not have PMS, but I would likely have severe sickness and fatigue that totally grounds me. AND I would be still have all the other symptoms that occur when your hormones get all out of whack. Crazy, huh?

Tonight I was missing being pregnant, considering the future, and I was especially missing Jude.

So THANKFUL for the good surprises that helped right my emotions tonight!! I've had some crazy unexplainable lonely feeling lately. Have you ever felt that way? BUT lately God has shown me over and over how blessed I am with AMAZING friends. I mean really exceeding, abundantly more than I could ever think or imagine!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

12.14.11 {A Very Colorful Day}

Elizabeth turned 15 months old today! Wow!!

It was a BEAUTIFUL day!! We played outside quite a bit! 70s in December, that's what I call AWESOME!!

Bella Peace picks out her own clothing when we are staying around the house. She can be quite creative. How's this for some color?! She was slightly overdressed today. In more ways than one.


Colorful things from my house today...

me and luke shooting some hoops
luke: mommy what's the score
me: i'm beating you to 2

grace, mary ruth, and bella peace studying some worms
grace: mommy these worms can do gymnastics

soon after that i see mary ruth chopping away at the ground with the shovel
i ask her what she is doing
she says chopping worms in half
now that's both gross and disturbing


me: quit eating dirt, elizabeth stop eating dirt, no no elizabeth no dirt and then later elizabeth do not eat rocks


elizabeth is so happy when she is outside!

bella peace getting out of the bathtub
bella peace: oh mommy, i'm so coldy! i'm fweezing all over, see my chipmunks (chill bumps)

In other news, our "friend" paid us another visit. Another gift at our front door. The kiddos went wild. This time we were home. Our friend rang the doorbell and then apparently took off. By the time I got to the door, all I could see were tail lights leaving our street. The kiddos talked for the next hour about who it could be. This time the note said, "On the second day of Christmas your friends gave to you...warm socks" (Or something very close to that. I can't find the note that was inside. I think it got thrown away.) The bag was filled with cute fun colorful socks in varying sizes! This person must know my girls pretty well. They went wild!!



Fun, fun!!

Just in case you are thinking that it sounds too good to be true and for the sake of full disclosure, I should tell you that I was in a cranky bad mood most of the day. When I look back at the day, I wonder what on Earth did I have to be grumpy about? The other day it was Elizabeth. Guess today was my turn.

Good-bye now!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What A Week!!

It's a little hard to believe that tonight is only Tuesday night. I've already packed at least 5 days worth of stuff into today and yesterday! Whew!! Maybe it feels like I've packed so much in already, because we really did not have a weekend. I've already wrote about Saturday. Sunday the 4 oldest children were involved in an AWESOME choir performance at church. You know it's been a busy weekend when you can't wait for Monday to get here!!

Maybe I was really anticipating Monday so much, because Wesley had the day off. The kiddos stayed with Nana and Papa, and Wesley and I went had some very much needed time alone together. We went Christmas shopping. We literally closed down the stores. It was AWESOME! Thank you, Nana and Papa!!

I had totally been looking forward to Monday, but I was also giddy about my plans for today!! Today my Oh So Talented Friend, Katy came to my house to help me with some re-organization projects. I hope to show some before and after pictures when this project is all done, but that might be a little while yet. If you are local, check out Katy's design blog. It was so great to have her help today, but the best part was just chatting and catching up. There's already so much improvement!! I can actually see the top of my desk again!! Now don't jealous, Katy would be very happy to help you out too!! If you need her contact info or more details, feel free to leave a comment her or on her blog.

In other news we are still LOVING our Jesse Tree Advent devotional. It's so good. Several days ago one of the devotions taught us that "Jehovah Jireh" is the name of God that means, "The Lord provides." We've made a habit since learning this to look for ways the Lord provides, both big and small. You know, when you are looking for it you can see His hand of provision all over. Sunday night Grace and I shared an awesome moment. The kiddos wore white shirts with bow ties and cumberbuns for their choir performance. There were many different colors and the colors where just assigned. No picking your favorite color. Grace totally understood this, but she was desperately hoping she would get her favorite color. When it was her turn to get hers, her teacher Mrs. R said, "Grace we've got 2 colors left, green or yellow." From the corner of my eye, I caught her light up and smile when she said, "Green, please." Then I turned and winked at her and whispered, "Jehovah Jireh." She repeated it back. Magically!!

Yesterday when we shopping we happened upon several other "Jehovah Jireh" moments.

Tonight when I got home there was another gift sitting at our front door. Do you remember a couple of months ago we had a gift left at our door. I mean, seriously, I have some AMAZING FRIENDS! How cute is this?!! This bag is so crafty! I immediately started running through my list of crafty friends, hummmm....who could it be?! I wonder if I had been home if this friend would have just knocked on the door?



Oh, I can't wait to watch it! And I love you too, Whoever you are!!

I haven't scratched the surface it comes to telling you about the friends God has given me. We might go days or weeks without talking and sometimes there's months in between our get togethers, but we always pick up right where we left off.

There was seriously a time in my life when one of my deepest longings was for a true friend, and now I have many...Jehovah Jireh, indeed!!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

mid day report 12.10.11

doing school today and lots of it, yes I know it's saturday, we had a slack week and wesley has to work today so might as well

e is having a bad day, which means we are all suffering

luke is driving everyone crazy in between subjects running around the living room pretending to be someone named trent richardson, i think that he must be a football player

i could care less about football and cannot wait until it's all over

i need something from the grocery store, but i'd rather have my toenails pulled off one by one than to load everyone up and go

i just sent a text to wesley asking him how much longer til he's home, he sent a text back saying it's way too early to be asking that question

i still love my life

i'm smiling really big right now in spite of the fact that e just crawled over to where i'm sitting and she's climbing on my leg and screaming her head off

now i'm going to go sit in the recliner and rock with e, more for my sake than for hers

joyfully,
jennifer

Friday, December 9, 2011

Oh Christmas Tree and other random stuff

We finally almost finished our Christmas tree. I only yelled at the Kiddos once while finishing it. OK, OK, maybe twice, but no one was counting! Ain't she purdy?! There's one box of ornaments that did not make it out of storage that Wesley still has to get for us, then we will be for real finished. But honestly, the box might never make it.


This is a new tree for us. Last year after Christmas we threw away the tree that Wesley bought in 1991 and bought a very nice very large tree at an incredible after Christmas price. We expected to be in a larger house by now. Then we changed our minds...about the larger house. So we sold the very large tree at a great price and bought this new skinny tree. I LOVE it! It fits beautifully in our perfect but small home! Are you confused yet? Just look at the tree and say awwww.

Last week our almost 15 month old Sweetie finally started pulling up into a standing position. She's not standing on her own or anywhere near walking, but she's pulling up. Yay!!


The picture above was taken last week. Shows you how long we've been working toward finishing this tree. Ha, ha!!

We positioned the tree in the corner behind the love seat and the sofa so that it is very difficult for her to get too. She actually cannot crawl through the space at all, but I'm afraid she might fall into the tree as she's stretching to reach it. Maybe not.

This year our tree is decorated very simply. That was the plan before one of ornament boxes was forgotten in storage. I'm a great fan of simple these days. We all need a little more simple. Don't you agree? My favorite thing about this tree is our homemade Jesse ornaments. We are doing a Jesse Tree Advent devotional I got from Ann's blog. Ann, who? Yeah, go read my post from yesterday.

See our Jesse ornaments? Totally forgot to flip them before posting. Just tilt your head when looking at these pictures.



This Jesse devotional makes me smile. As does this tree. And completely not related these pictures do too...make me smile that is. I love my life!!




I'm on a roll blogging three times in two days. Yay, me!! Maybe I'm back.

Nighty, night now!

OH, and I almost forgot...I'm starting a new blog!! Watch for details coming soon!!!

Attitude is Everything

I copied this from another blog. I have a good friend whose sister has cancer. It's a very serious situation. Yesterday she cut her hair...all 10 inches of her long beautiful blond hair!! This is what she shared on her own blog...

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well, she said, I think I'll braid my hair today! So she did. And she had A Wonderful Day!

The next day she woke up,looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head Hmmm, she said,I think I'll part my hair down the middle today! So she did. And she had a Grand Day!

The next day she woke up,looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. Well, she said,today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail. So she did. And she had a Fun Day!

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. Yay! she exclaimed, I don't have to fix my hair today!

WOW!! If only we all had this kind of attitude.

Speaking of attitudes, I've recommended some good reads in a post below. I know!! 2 post in 2 days!! If you missed the one below, check it out!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Top 10 Must Reads

Some of you may have missed me lately, well that is if anyone at all still checks my blog. Yeah, I've been MIA lately. Since losing Jude I have been less in a writing mood and more in a reading mood. So, I decided to share a few of my new "Must Reads". It might not be ten items. I just thought that the title sounded good. :)

First let me say that I don't read much. I'm sorry to say that reading is not my number 1 most favorite thing to do, but I do enjoy it. I especially enjoy it when I get my hands on something that reaches deep inside and touches my heart. I also enjoy reading things that just total open my eyes and convicts me. I'm actually thankful that the Lord convicts me. It's a good reminder of His presence in my life. Of course I like to read things that make me laugh, I mean who doesn't like that? Reading things that encourage me are quite nice. As are things that I can relate to. To me the best book is one that changes me. Totally and completely changes me. You know what I mean? Maybe I do like reading more than I think I do. I just don't get the time to read all that often. In fact, recently I commented to Wesley on how sad it was that I've only completely like 3 books this year. My awesome Hubby responded so perfectly. The conversation went a little like this....Hubby, "Well now that's not true." Me, "Yeah, I've read..." and I started naming the three I could think of. Hubby interrupts me, "And you've read Goodnight Moon and Mommy Loves Her Bunny and Little One and..." Yeah if you are counting children's books, I've probably read hundreds of those kind of books. Awwww, that makes me SMILE.

I confess that I am not in my Bible each and ever day. Ugh!! Really nothing changes me or any of us for that matter like the Word. I sometimes start feeling guilty about this, but I know that guilt does not come from the Lord. Also while I may not actually be reading from my Bible each day, scripture is part of all of my days. I have scripture on my walls, written on index cards, taped above my kitchen sink. And I read children's Bible story books nearly daily. I'm also quoting scripture to the kiddos throughout the day as I correct and discipline them. I enjoy Christian music which is often taken straight from the pages of the Bible. I'm thankful that the Word comes to me in so many ways.

It's amazing to me how sometimes something written so simply, written to a child, can so touch me. Such is the case with this read...

The Jesus Storybook Bible


We've got several Bible storybooks, and we appreciate every one for different reasons, but folks this one is good! Given to us by my Bestie, this one had been sitting on our shelf for a while. We read through most of it quite a while back, and then recently I was reminded of it and we pulled it off the shelf again. It currently has a place on the end table by our couch, and we are enjoying it oh so much. I considered pulling a few of my favorite passages from it to let you see how good it is, but there were way too many to great ones to chose just one.

Another Must Read is this awesome devotional...

Jesus Calling


I'm constantly amazed at how the daily entries seem to be written just to me. To the circumstances I'm facing at that particular time.

Now you know a book is really, really good when I somehow find time to read and re-read it again. You've probably heard of it. Hopefully you've read it. It's definitely written to appeal more to us girls, but I've found Wesley skimming through it a time of two. One Thousand Gifts, yeah this is one of those that has forever changed me.


I liked One Thousand Gifts so much, that I decided to check out the author's blog. That's when Ann and I became good friends. Ann's the author of the book. She doesn't know we are friends, but I regularly refer to her by fist name. Me: "Well Ann said..." Ann's blog is another Must Read. So go ahead and check her out. Bookmark her blog. Better yet, subscribe to get her post delivered to your inbox. Here's a link to her blog. She's awesome...

A Holy Experience

And while you are bookmarking blogs, let me introduce you to my favorite blog. I've saved my #1 Must Read for last. I cannot tell you how much the author of this blog has impacted my life. Anyone who spends more than a few minutes talking to me will hear me say something about my Bestie who lives in (insert the name of the state she lives in). She's the sister I never had, but always dreamed of. She's the friend I asked the Lord to give me. She's pretty amazing. And now I get more of her and so can you, because she's blogging!!!! YAY!! I have one word for her new blog...INCREDIBLE! Who knew my Bestie was such a great writer?!! I mean for years she's encouraged me with her wisdom, and she's made me laugh with her witty, clever sense of humor. But the way she takes life application and sees Christ in the everyday stuff and then puts it in writing is pretty awesome. Also she's very real on her blog. I find especially in blogging that's it's very easy to share only the good stuff. But this friend of mine, she's willing to be real even in her writings. I'm so glad she's blogging!! Remember all the things I said at the very beginning about what kind of things I like to read, yeah this blog is all of that! By the way, her husband and 4 children aka "The Honey" and the "Yahoos", they are pretty great too. You'll meet them on the blog as well. You know how "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get" (quote from the movie Forrest Gump). Well Bridgett's blog is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it's rich with things the Lord is revealing to her. Other times it's bittersweet as she opens up and shares real life. Stories about her "yahoos" are so, so sweet...well most of the time anyway, remember I said she was real. :) Like in a box of chocolates, you'll definitely find some nutty pieces!! And of course you know that chocolate goes with any mood or emotion, same is true of the blog. Have some when you feel sad, it's guaranteed to encourage you or at least help you to see that maybe you don't have it as bad as you think. Ha ha!! Open it when you feel like laughing. This girl is FUNNY!! You are guaranteed to find a piece that you enjoy, because it's all so good!! So go get a tall glass of milk, like right now, and open up this amazing box of chocolates... Stop Squeezing the Cat and other profound things I say I highly suggest going back and catching up. She's been blogging for a couple of months, but you totally need to read all of her post! BTW, leave her a comment and let her know that you are reading! She's probably going to be a wee bit embarrassed with my little "review" here, but every word is true! Love you, Bridgett! Here's the link...

Stop Squeezing the Cat and other profound things I say

OK, I'm not sure how many "Must Reads" I shared, but really I don't have anything that can follow Bridgett and Ann.

Happy Reading!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

How We Are Doing

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I wrote the post below on October 12th...exactly 5 weeks ago. There were some great things starting to happen when I composed this post, but I was still really struggling. I wrote it, read over it, and just went...UGH!!! I wasn't ready to share it. I honestly still felt so fragile, weak, and weary. I felt like some parts were just too much, too personal. A lot has happened in 5 weeks. I'm so, so glad that I wrote it. I can look back and see the hand of the Lord. He was moving!! The Lord has been so good. I'm getting stronger every week. There are still moments when the grief and sadness can be overwhelming, but it's definitely better. I can look at pictures of myself from the first few weeks and see such a deep sadness. I really did not even want my picture taken in those days, but sometimes I conceded. Even if I'm smiling in the picture, it's not my smile. It's empty. Now, I've got my smile back. I'm no longer making myself and my family crazy with self destructive busyness. Of course it's still busy, but now it's just normal crazy busy not crazy psycho busy. :) I feel strong enough to share now. It's long but stick with it because I wrote about those great things I mentioned above. At the time I did not know it, but they proved to be turning points in my healing process. I'm hoping to follow this with more updates soon. Don't forget as you are reading through the post below, it was written 5 weeks ago.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The question I get most often these days is... "How am I/we doing?" I thought I
would take some time tonight to answer these questions here tonight.

As for how we are doing, Wesley is amazing and has loved me so tenderly since our most recent loss. It definitely effects him too and I know he's also hurting, but it is and has always been different for him and he would tell you the same thing himself. The kiddos had a very rough time at first. Telling them was sheer torture. That first night they cried so long and hard. Grace and Mary Ruth shared secret plans that they had made for Jude's birth and homecoming. Luke grieved the loss of another brother and recognized that he might never have a brother. Bella Peace kept saying she was sad too. It was so sad and so hard. In the next few days, the girls really struggled with things like being scared of the dark, scared to be in the room by their self. When I asked why Grace confessed that she was afraid that something else bad would happen, that maybe something else would happen to someone in our family. We've talked a lot and they are definitely doing much better.

Recently someone asked me what the kiddos understand and how do they cope and how have they coped with so many losses. The thing is that, just like scripture talks about, children have such an amazing, trusting faith. We've explained that God creates all babies in the mother's womb and that he has a plan for each child he creates. Sometimes that plan includes a long life here on Earth and sometimes it doesn't. Obviously we all hope for a long life here on Earth, but we have to trust Him when He decides otherwise. They accept that they have brothers in Heaven and that they will see them again as long as they trust in and follow Jesus. They are quick to share about their brothers in Heaven and it comes easy and natural for them. They also have such a great appreciation for life and the miracle of life. They don't take the miracle of a newborn baby for granted. From the time they know that I am pregnant, they pray earnestly for Mommy and The Baby. They also regularly pray for others that we know who are pregnant. Does it still hurt? You bet! Do they still grieve? Of course. Do they fully understand? Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth have a very good understanding. Does it kill me and Wesley to see them hurting and grieving? Oh, how it does. Some ask us if we should stop for this reason. You know what, that is a very difficult question. It's not one that we take lightly. It's one that we cannot answer on our own.

As for me. Well sometimes are better than others, but for sure things are getting better and easier. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but at least I'm still gaining ground. There are sometimes that things seem to be going so well and then something will happen or something will remind me and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach...AGAIN! Like I saw an advertisement for a movie recently and there was a scene of a woman in the delivery room getting ready to have a baby and I just gasped out loud. I felt anguish over the fact that would have been me in a few months and now it won't be. And then there was a day last week when I opened my calendar to see what we had going on for the rest of the week and my eyes instantly fell to "20 weeks". I had marked my calendar all the way to 40 weeks before losing Jude. It was fun to watch the weeks tick by, but now it's just a sad reminder. And there's so many others times like these. Then there are what I call the "little things". The "little things" that happen each and every day that seem harder than normal to cope with.

In general I would describe the way I feel by saying I feel very frail. I'm easily overwhelmed, frustrated, or stressed. I guess I feel like I should not have to deal with the little upsets of life while I'm navigating through an ocean of deep, treacherous big stuff. I often feel shock that this happened....AGAIN. I often look at my life, and I can hardly believe that I've loved and lost 4 baby boys that I had developed such a bond with and 1 baby that I never really knew. 5 miscarriages. FIVE!! Is this really my life? REALLY?!! Sometimes all the "spiritual right things" that people generally say are comforting, but honestly right now most of the time they are not very comforting because they don't change the fact that Jude is no longer here. And, I already know all those things. I honestly feel like this time it's just me and the Lord and it's something I have to work through with Him alone and nothing anybody says or does provides much comfort or help. I know this is sounding harsh. It's really not as harsh as it sounds. It's just the way I'm grieving right now. It's more private than it's been before, and that's very different for me. It's heavy. Very heavy. And very deep. But I feel like I am where God wants me, and He's doing something through this. Something I don't understand, but something. Hopefully something beautiful.

One of the ways I've always coped with my grief is by keeping myself very, very, very busy. When things get really hard, I find whatever I can do so that I can escape the really hard big thing that I'm running from. I run and run and run until I fall in the bed in sheer exhaustion and fall instantly to sleep so that I don't lie there and think. Sometimes keeping busy can be a good thing so that you are not just sitting around in doom and gloom and dwelling on all the bad, but honestly at times I've made myself so busy that it's been somewhat self destructive. I recently realized that once again I was doing this, but this time I could actually see the toll it was taking on me and my family. There must be some balance. Fortunately, the Lord made me aware of it. I've confessed it to Wesley so that he could me avoid this trap, and it's gotten better.

I've said this to a few close friend and family members, but there are so many things that are different about miscarriage or infant loss. I'm not saying harder, just different. For one thing there are so many more anniversaries or special days to face without that new baby. I will always remember the day that I found out we were expecting Jude and the day that I found out he was a boy and the day that we shared that news with family and friends and what his due date should have been and the date we actually found out we lost him and the date that he was actually born. Then of course there are days like Mother's Day and Baby Dedication. Then there are days every week I hold special memories like how special Thursdays were because I always went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and got to see Jude. Wednesdays are hard because that was the day of the week that marked another new week of pregnancy. Tuesdays are hard because that is the day I actually delivered and saw and held Jude. And even when these start to fade and hurt less there will be times that it seeks up on me. I know that it's true because we lost Samuel in October 2006 and I still have these times of remembrance and heartache for him.

I'm also sad that I was pregnant with so many of my girlfriends and now I'm not. I am genuinely excited about all these new babies and as a family we pray for them, I'm just sorry that I'm no longer in that club. I'm no longer sharing my pregnancies woos and updates and planning and preparing for a newborn. Instead I've recently planned for and carried out a funeral. Instead of adjusting my budget for new baby expenses, we planned and worked in medical bills and funeral expenses. All of these things sting just a little...ok sometimes a lot. I really don't want this to make anyone feel awkward, because I really am thrilled to help you welcome your newborns - just wish I was doing it with you.

I have to tell this story...my hardest day by far occurred a little over a week ago. I won't get in to the nitty gritty specifics, but I had way, way over extended myself. I had committed to far to many things, and I wasn't doing any of them well. We were all in the van coming home pretty late one night. I was driving so Wesley could get a little sleep since he had to get up early the next morning for the paper route. Everyone was asleep. I was all alone with my thoughts. I had made a pretty major goof that day, and I was honestly loathing myself for it. I felt like pounding my head on the steering wheel or inflicting some other form of harm to myself, because I was really just that upset about the mistake that I had made. I started feeling very, very frustrated with the Lord for not "showing up" more or bigger in my life. Wesley and I had recently seen the movie Courageous and while I LOVED it I was also wrestling with some things in that movie. Without spoiling the movie I will say that there is a scene in there where a man is praying out loud and on the spot God shows up big and answers the man's prayers very directly and very specifically. So then I'm thinking about my own life and having a conversation with the Lord where I'm just asking Him where He is and why He's not showing up and showing off big in my life. I found myself thinking about the scene in the movie. Actually I had been mulling it over that scene every since I saw the movie. I kept asking myself and the Lord if He really works that way anymore or was that just another scene in a movie. I felt like it had been forever since I had seen him show up in such a big way in real life. I was basically having a fit, tantrum, pity party before the Lord. I was kind of praying, kind of demanding that He show me something!! Then within a few minutes the thing that I had goofed up on, the Lord restored and made right!! A phone call from a friend, and the goof was fixed. Just like that!! Within a few more minutes He answered a very direct prayer in an amazing way. He used an anonymous friend and a small package at our front door to meet me right where I was. To show Himself when I really, really needed to see Him. To give me GRACE when I needed it most. No name, no note. Just that little package and a verse of scripture written on a index card reminding me, reminding us of who HE is and how He cares for us!! He did not have to do that. I sure did not desire it. Grace. Tears...oh so many tears as I definitely felt humbled and sorry for my anger and ugly attitude, and I also felt gratitude for the Lord once again showing Himself mighty and faithful. I sure wish I knew which friend responded to the Lord's prompting. You cannot know how much I needed that or how blessed I was!! If you are reading this, thank you!!

Here's another cool story to. First I have to give a little background info. One thing that I have felt and said over and over is that I don't feel like myself. I don't. And I'm not myself. I've done some crazy things and made some big, sometimes costly, goofs. I've forgotten commitments, missed appointments, and given away things (important things) that I did not intend to give away. I've grieved differently and processed things differently and at times just not recognized this person in my skin. One day I said this to one of the most precious people I know. I'd said it again and again to her, but this day she responded by saying that maybe I did not feel like my old self because I'm not my old self. Then she said it..."you're being made new." WOW!! To think...He's growing and changing me each and every day. He makes all things beautiful in His time. He is continuing to complete the work He began in me. He is molding me into the likeness of Christ. This has been probably the most profound and comforting thoughts to me recently. Ahhhh, I feel wind in my sails and a breath of fresh air. Such a sweet, sweet reminder. Thank you so much Precious Friend!! I LOVE you dearly!!

Still one foot in front of the other, sometimes falling down, sometimes slipping backwards, but gaining ground.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Fall Tradition ~ The Pumpkin Patch

We are blessed to live minutes from the world's greatest pumpkin patch. 4 REAL, it's the best!! Since Luke's first fall in 2003, we've gone to this pumpkin patch every year. It's one of my favorite traditions. These pictures from today say it all.
























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This is my most favorite time of the year!! Happy Fall Y'all!!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Not Lost

Well I received some information today about the genetic testing that we feared was lost. It is not and was not lost which is great news, however right now it appears that for some reason that I do not understand the more in depth detailed testing was unable to be performed. I did receive the results of the basic genetic testing. It was the same as with our past baby boys...a basic screening of the chromosomes shows no abnormalities at all. On the surface it appears as though Jude was perfectly healthy. The more in depth testing could review much greater detail about each individual chromosome and is therefore more likely to find something that the basic screening has missed. I have a lot of unanswered questions right now, but I have some level of peace and comfort in knowing that at least the samples were not lost. Now I wait while two excellent doctors work together to try to get to the bottom of what happened, what wen wrong, why the other testing was not done. Then I will wait to talk to or meet with these doctors to share their information with me.

I do believe that God answered prayers here, now I'm praying for the next step...whatever that may be.

Thank you so much for praying with us!!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Only One Week Until....

...my bestie and her family arrive from Kentucky!!! I can hardly wait!!!

My little house will be bursting with children which is just how I like it!!

Here's a picture from their visit around this same time last year.

(This picture is missing the youngest Blakeman and the youngest Minor.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I saw the high risk perinatologist that ordered all the very in depth, very rare, very likely to give us answers, genetic tests for Jude. In the hospital tissue samples were taken from Jude's body and hand delivered by our awesome nurse to the lab at our hospital. From there the hospital lab should have sent them to another lab for the testing. Today I was told that it is possible the labs have not been done or are lost. The doc said that he should have had them long ago and that so far he's not been successful at tracking down where they are in the process. Also no claim has been filed with my insurance company. I can hardly believe that this is happening!! Doc says that he fully 100% believes that the problem we have is genetic and he fully believes that the right testing will tell us exactly what the problem is and what this means for future children and even future grandchildren. BUT it's possible that we might never get these answers because someone somewhere has messed this up.

THIS!! IS!! NOT!! OK!!!!

He said he's going to put his blood hounds on the hunt, and we should put our own blood hounds to work as well. I've never known a better human blood hound than Nana Mathes. All I've got to say is that these lab people better look out, because as soon as she returns home (she's away taking care of her ill parents who are in there 90s) I'm putting her on the case!! In the meantime, I guess I'll do what I can on my own...you know in my spare time between caring for my home, husband, 5 kiddos, homeschool, laundry, dishes, etc.

I literally had trouble regulating my breathing when he told me this and almost every time I've thought of it since.

Please pray that we will still get these results. Right now it so does not look good. :(

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Great Day

GREAT casual, not rushed morning at home getting ready for church.

GREAT morning at church.

Began Wesley's birthday celebration with a GREAT birthday lunch after church. He turns 40!!!!! tomorrow!!!

Looking forward to a GREAT evening service.

And enjoyed my GREAT bunch of kiddos!!



(Not such a GREAT picture, but oh well. We tried.)

On another note and completely random, I'm starting my first diet ever tomorrow. I was on a diabetic diet while pregnant with Elizabeth, but I've never been on a weight loss diet before. My plan it to just eat healthier (cut out so much junk food and sweets) and try to burn more calories by maybe walking or just increasing my activity level. Nothing big and crazy, but it will be a good start for me. I really would like to and need to lose a good 10-15 pounds. Wish me luck. Wait no, I don't believe in luck...pray for me instead! :)

Hope you are also having a GREAT day, if you are not then start now!! Make it a GREAT day!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

National Day of Remembrance

I was on the verge of tears all day long today. I'm not sure why it was that way. Maybe it was just the knowledge that today is October 15th which is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We had considered doing something special to honor and remember Jude and our other sweet Heavenly Baby Boys, Samuel, Isaiah, and Joshua but I just felt like I was too weary to put something together. Of course we still "remembered" them, we just did not do anything formal.

Maybe I was so emotional today because I spent so much time outside. I LOVE this time of the year, but the colors, the sights, the shadows, the look and feel of fall always take me back to October 2006 which is when this part of my journey began. We said good bye to Samuel on October 31, 2006.

Weary...weary is how I feel a lot right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Just Some Pictures

Notice how in the first picture all five are in the picture. In the second picture I'm clearly trying to entertain Elizabeth to keep her from crawling away. By the third picture Elizabeth is gone. And then we lose Bella Peace for the final two pictures. Oh well they may not be the most perfectly posed pictures and everyone has red eye that I don't have time to edit out but at least everyone had fun!