...that's what scripture says. But will it? Will joy come tomorrow morning? Will it be many more mornings before I feel joy again? I've not posted in a really long time. Seems there's never enough time. But I don't want to take a chance on missing out on an opportunity to document this journey. Most who read this blog will know my history. I am married to the greatest guy on the planet. We have 4 beautiful children on earth, and I have at least 2 children waiting on us in heaven. The two children I lost were to miscarriages, both in the second trimester. We had Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth in mostly uneventful, normal, healthy pregnancies. Then we lost Samuel at 19 weeks, and Isaiah at 15-16 weeks. We got pregnant again and had Bella Peace after quite an emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy. We feel that all our children are miracles and gifts from God. However in light of the losses, we discovered a new appreciation for the miracle of life.
About 10 weeks ago, we learned we were pregnant once more. This is our 7th pregnancy, and we hope will be the 5th child to come home to our family. Until today, we've had only good reports of healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, healthy mommy. That is until today. Today I went in for an appointment without any fear or concern that something might be wrong. I even took 3 of our 4 children to the doctor with me. I left the appointment feeling quite different. The ultrasound revealed a motionless, lifeless baby with an extremely low heart rate. My doctor believes the baby is dying. It is believed that the problems I've experienced in my pregnancies have always began around 14 weeks. I am currently about 14 weeks. We don't know for sure what is happening or why? I will be going back to the doctor tomorrow for a re-check. Was today a fluke? Was it just a bad ultrasound? Was the baby just in a bad position? Was the baby just experiencing a down time? Was the ultrasound just not working properly? Is our baby dying? Has our baby already died? Will this baby live here on this earth? Will our family get to know, love, hold, cuddle, this baby. Will me and Wesley and our children be devastated once again? Will God give us the miracle we desire? Are we suppose to have other children? Is our family complete? Why? Why? Why is this happening again? These are just a few of the questions that have plagued my mind today and will likely invade my sleep tonight? I feel I've coped pretty well in the past, but I'm not so sure how I will do this time around. This seems to get harder each time. I am weary and weak. In my head I have all the knowledge of God's great love, goodness, and mercy, and how He intends this for my good, and how He will carry me through this, and all those things, but tonight I'm struggling with knowing this is my heart. Oh, Lord, I believe, now please heal me of my unbelief.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Weeping tonight, praying for the joy in the morning.
Love,
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment