...it would go something like this...
Lord, why have You forsaken me? Why have You abandoned me? You are the Creator of life. It was You that created life within me, but chose not to sustain that life. It was You, that gave me the desire to be with child, but now I'm left brokenhearted and longing. Why Lord are You not near to me? When will you shower Your peace and mercy upon me? When will You comfort me? Why Lord are You silent? Why are You not present with me? I cry out to You all day and all night and yet I do not hear you answer me?
Though I am weary and brokenhearted. Though I am longing and in deep sorrow. I will still seek You Lord. You have indeed rescued me in my times of trouble. I know this to me true. I trust You to rescue me once again. I will chose to praise you even in this. Hear my cries for help, O Lord. Restore joy to me, Lord. I will trust in You! O Lord, give me a new song. Give me a song of praise and not of sorrow. Remember me Lord. Remember me with Lord love, mercy, and peace.
My sins against You are many, constant, and daily. Thank you for Your forgiveness. Thank You for salvation. Thank you for Your hand on my life and for the many blessings You have given me. Help me to find my delight in You alone on Lord.
Or you know, something like that.
Today:
Today has been bad. I did not want to go to church this morning. I did not want to sing praise songs today. It took all I had to sing "He is Good". To be honest, I can't say that right now I feel it in my heart. I know it's true in my head. I do. I can remember all the ways He has been good to me in the past. I know I would not exist at all without Him. I make my "grateful list" over and over in my head. But, it's not sticking. I feel so hurt. I cannot seem to focus on anything but the hurt.
Shortly after we first learned we had lost the first child we lost, Samuel, I spoke to Pam Brassart on the phone. She gave me such great advice. I remember her reminding me that this was a good opportunity to show others the hope I had in Jesus. That helped me so much. I focused so much on that hope and in demonstrating it. I used every opportunity to share Jesus with others through that experience. The nurses, the hospital staff, friends, family. We had a wonderful graveside service. I felt like all that gave Samuel's life and our loss purpose.
I am not there this time. I am so struggling with why God has allowed this to happen again. I know this is wrong on so many levels. I know that thought is rooted in pride and selfishness. I know how ungrateful I sound, but I cannot get pasted it. I feel like God is not being good to me. I feel like He has forsaken me. I feel angry and confused. I feel like all of this is so cruel and unjust. I'm finding it so hard to put on a smile and tell people how great the Lord has been to me, how faithful He's been, how I know His plan is perfect, and He has a purpose it allowing this. I know all this is true in my head. I just don't feel it in my heart. So where's the purpose this time? Why? I have had great counsel over the past few days. I know it does no good to ask why, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to accept it.
At a mom's retreat I attended this past February, I heard a quote that has stuck with me. It said, "I will accept what He gives, lack what He withholds, and relinquish what He takes." (I don't remember the author.) I do really great at accepting the things He gives, so long as it's what I want. But I am having a really hard time with the rest of that. I've asked myself if this keeps happening because there's a lesson that I'm not getting. It there's something He's trying to build in me or develop in me, and I'm just not getting it. I think the answer could be yes. I know there are lots of lessons I've yet to get. But, surely I'm getting closer. Surely there's another way for me to get the lesson.
I don't really know how to transition this tonight. You know, wrap it up pretty and profound. This is all I've got tonight, my ramblings, complaining, venting, questions, frustration, disappointment, and hurt. At this moment, that's where I'm at. So if anyone is reading, here's a few specific prayer request in addition to all those you spotted on your own through this post:
1. I go into the hospital tomorrow night at 10:00 PM. I know from times past, walking into that hospital is the hardest step in this process. Even as I write that, tears stream down. I will walk in the hospital carrying a baby that we've grown to love so much. My belly is round and although that's sometimes a painful reminder that we've lost this baby, it's also proof of the baby's life. He/she had life here on earth, and I have been privileged to carry that life within me. We loved him/her and still do. This is all the holding I get to do. Upon leaving that hospital, it's all over this side of heaven. Pray for peace that passes understanding as we arrive tomorrow.
2. Pray that delivery is successful, smooth, and easy on Tuesday. Pray I will not require more intervention than I desire.
3. Pray that testing done on the baby is successful and provides us with much desired answers so that we will be able to make good decisions in the future.
4. Continue to pray for our entire family. Luke and Grace understand enough this time to also be brokenhearted, but also have a lot of questions that we can't give the answers to. Pray that they will be healthy and well and will behave well at the Brock's while we are in the hospital. Pray for the Heather and Jason Brock (especially Heather as she will have them by herself a lot of the time, of course she's a pro by now since she's had a lot of experience at keeping our children) as they take on the added responsibility of keeping our children.
Thanks for the love and encouragement,
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment