Refiner's Fire ~ 2009 Christmas Letter

Each Christmas since having Luke, we have sent a Christmas letter reflecting on the past year in our lives. This year as Christmas drew near, I began to think about what I might say in a letter for 2009. Of course the big events came to mind first. It was easy to think about the year’s highlights. And I very much enjoyed strolling through the good times in my mind. In my mind I began preparing the usual letter filled with all the blessings (of which there have been many) and good times. I even started one on paper more than once. I decided to look back at the blog that I began this time last year. It was then that I realized I could not send the typical letter this year, because while we have been blessed and had so, so many good times filled with joy and laughter, the truth is this year has been a hard one for me. As I read through the year on my blog I found that over and over I wrote about how hard my day/week had been, and the truth is that I really didn’t even share the truly hard stuff.

It really all began at the start of the year. I’ve been praying for a long time for God to give me more of a passion for Him and His righteousness, for more of a hunger and thirst for Him and His word, and to have a deeper prayer life and relationship with Him. But it seemed to me as though that was not happening. As 2009 began, I was doing a lot of soul searching and questioning. I actually began to question God’s sovereignty. At the same time, Wesley and I were seeking to know His will in a couple of different areas. I felt confused and unsure and ended up quite frustrated. This continued through the first couple of months in 2009. Then in March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. I was a little anxious, but not really about the baby or pregnancy, more over how others would respond to the news. But mostly, I was thrilled! There are few things that bring more joy to me that the news of a new baby!!! I have to admit that juggling our household, 4 children, homeschool, various ministries, and being pregnant does not come easy, and often I was stressed and overwhelmed. Then on May 26, 2009, we gave birth and said good bye at the same time to Joshua Dailey Minor, our 7th child and 3rd loss. We did not see this coming, and I was shocked, devastated, crushed. If you add all these events and emotions together you can get a picture of my general state of mind. Summer flew by, and I packed our lives full enough to allow me to not deal with my feelings and emotions. I chose to escape them as long and I could and just stay busy. I was grieving, but it was really a lot more than that. I felt so frustrated with the Lord, confused, angry, discouraged, and very overwhelmed. All of this, and it was time to start school back. Let me just say that I love that we homeschool. I cannot imagine doing it any other way. Wesley and I both feel a calling to this. The kids really are doing well. But, it’s HARD ! People ask me all the time how we do it and honestly all I can say is it’s only by God’s grace and it’s just a little by little, minute by minute, hour by hour thing. Adding homeschool to a mother who is already fragile emotionally, can lead to a lot of tears. In the past few months, I have so often felt like quitting, giving up, running away. One day I was reading in Psalm 55 and was so encouraged to see that the Psalmist, David, had at one time felt the same way. “O that I had wings like a dove, for then I would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off and remain in the wilderness.” But later in that same Psalm, David speaks of the Lord saving him, hearing him, delivering him, and sustaining him. Recently things have really begun to improve. I am not “over it” for sure. I’m still having some hard days. But I finally feel as though I have gained some accurate perspective. One thing that I have realized is that these hard times are part of the answer to the prayers I mentioned earlier. Although initially I felt like I was growing further away from the Lord throughout this year, I am starting to see how these events are actually bringing me closer to that deeper relationship I’ve prayed for. I am starting to “get it”. I’ve keep referring to how hard things are, but part of the problem is that I am trying to control too much and do everything in my own strength. I’m focusing too much on myself and not enough on Him. I know that realizing this is a big step in the right direction. I’ve been so encouraged lately by several devotionals I’ve been reading. One in particular that seems to speak to me each and every day is, “Streams in the Desert” by L.B. Cowman. I could write pages and pages about how this devotion has touched me, but I will instead share one that I think sums up this year for me.

October 29 ~ He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. Malachi 3:3

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner’s fire. It is with the most precious metals that the assayer takes the most pains, and subjects them to the hot fire, because such fires melt the metal, and only the molten mass releases its alloy or takes perfectly its new form in the mold. The old refiner never leaves his crucible, but sits down by it, lest there should be one excessive degree of heat to mar the metal. But as soon as he skims the surface the last of the dross, and sees his own face reflected, he puts out the fire. Arthur T. Pierson

Here’s part of a poem that went with that same day:

“…and the gold grew brighter and yet more bright, but our eyes were so dim with tears,
We saw but the fire-not the Master’s hand, and questioned with anxious fears.
Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow, as it mirrored a Form above,
That bent o’er the fire, tho’ unseen by us, with a look of ineffable love.
Can we think that it pleases His loving heart to cause us a moment’s pain?
Ah, no! but He saw through the present cross the bliss of eternal gain.
So He waited there with a watchful eye, with a love that is strong and sure,
And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat, than was needed to make it pure.”

I’ve been in the fire, but the Refiner has been at work. As 2009 draws near the end, I’m feeling encouraged and hopeful. I know my Refiner has been right by my side throughout this year. The fire has been hot! But it has been necessary to purify me. I’m looking forward to a “bright” 2010 and praying that I might reflect His glory!

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6