December 16, 2009

Sorry, still not quite ready to share our little (key word is little) surprise yet. Wesley and I hope to work on it soon. Maybe we will get a chance tomorrow night since we will have a little time without children. Date night tomorrow, whoo hoo!!!! I have so many things I am hoping to pack into that time though, so we will see. Actually tomorrow is a very big day overall. It's our last school day this semester, and we are all so excited to have a couple weeks off. We are more than half through this school year! Also, tomorrow I have my appointment with the reproductive specialist. I am glad it's finally here. My doctor referred me to someone right after we lost Joshua, but I didn't really have a peace about going to that doctor at that time. Over the last few months, we've prayed about the doctor and the timing. We going to the same doctor I was originally referred to go to even though I received some poor reports about him. We just feel like he's the one we should be going to for now. I know that sounds a little crazy. I hoping that going into the appointment with the information I've been given will help me be prepared.

Tomorrow's appointment is just an initial consultation. I'm not really expecting to leave with a lot of new information. I've shared here before part of our reasons for seeing a specialist is for the obvious, we would just like to know what is happening and why, if it's the Lord's will for us to find out that information. We would like to know so that we could make wise decisions for future pregnancies. But we also want to know if this is something our children may have to deal with in their future. Of course we are still praying and ultimately seeking God's will. I have mixed feelings about tomorrow. I'm mostly excited it's finally here. But I'm also a little anxious. I want to know answers, but not if they force me to face things that I do not want to face. Or, if they lead to harder decisions. Right now it is easy to say, medically speaking we have no information that for sure leads us to believe the door is closed to future pregnancies. But what if they told me something that made it risky for us try again? One minute I feel excited about going, and the next minute I feel like I should not go. Ultimately these are just "feelings", and we have to be careful not to make emotional decisions. The decision to go tomorrow has been a long time in coming. So it's settled. Oh well, I feel as though I'm rambling. I will try to give an update tomorrow after my appointment. If you think about it, please pray for me. As I think about the need to be seeing a specialist at all, it makes me sad. Sad that we have lost three babies. Sad that instead of sharing details about my newborn, I'm sharing details about my appointment with a reproductive specialist. OK, let's move on.

This week hasn't been too busy for us. Which has been nice, but I'm still struggling with being a crabby mother. Last night I wrote about being so tired and crabby with the kids. I've struggled with that a lot today also. I got plenty of sleep last night. I've not had a lot going on other than normal stuff. I don't know why I'm feeling so tense and irritable. But, I cannot seem to snap out of it. I'm not enjoying my children like I want and need to this week. It makes me crazy and I cannot stand it, but I don't know what to do about it. Well, I guess I really do know what to do about it. I need to be in the Word more and in prayer more. So easily said. Not as easy to do. Or is it? Ugh! I think my priorities are a little out of order this week, perhaps most weeks, perhaps more than a little. So just please pray for me on this as well. I want to be a wife and mother that brings glory to God and that puts others ahead of my own selfish desires. Think I'm going to go now and spend some time with the Lord. Then I've got 8 pages of medical history to fill out. Hum, did I say I really want to go tomorrow? Those 8 pages are making me reconsider!