Well, I will be 14 weeks tomorrow. Today I am 13 weeks, 6 days. Baby measured 13 weeks, 6 days!! Heartrate seems to drop a little each week, but I'm told that is normal. Today Baby's heartrate was 143 bpm which is within an acceptable range.
Folks, I could not have asked for anything more today! The ultrasound was perfect. Baby looked perfect, healthy, happy!!! Maybe it was the Little Debbie cake I had before the appointment (shhhh, don't tell my kiddos), but Baby was SO active. He/She was all over the place. Baby would stretch out it's legs and kick, then arch it's back, then do like a full body jump. You would have thought he/she was on a trampoline in there!! Whitney, my ultrasound technician let me just watch for a full five minutes!! By the time it was over Baby was yawning. We could see a beautiful profile, perfect heart, arms, legs, fingers, toes, even knees, and more. I was already in LOVE with Baby, but now I'm head over heels, captivated, smitten, in CRAZY LOVE!! At one point, Baby turned it's head and looked straight on at us as if to say, "I love you to, Mommy!"
Today was my first over the belly ultrasound. That was nice. I'm happy to be done with the other kind. I still cannot scan my ultrasound pictures, but maybe soon. So, sorry!! They are great!! I also have a DVD from today, but can't share that either right now. Oh, another praise, they found my DVD that I lost from last week!! Hooray!!!
Today did so much to ease my fears and concerns. I really believe it won't be as bad from here on. Today was a gift!! Thank you, God!!!
In the beginning of this pregnancy I told myself and God that I would be grateful and content with however long He let me "have" this baby. That's been harder recently. I find my "wants" are getting the best of me sometimes. I want this baby SO badly!! I want to feel it move. I want my tummy to get bigger and bigger. I want to hold him/her. I want to bring him/her home from the hospital. It's to find the balance between praying for a healthy baby and being willing to submit to whatever His will may be. I had a good conversation with a friend tonight about all this. I can genuinely say that in my heart of hearts, I do desire His will over my own. But it would not be an easy road for me if His will turned out to be different than what I desire. I also know that I would still praise Him, love Him, trust Him. I know that He is good and His plan for me is good. Again, actually living that is not alway easy.
I'm struggling just a bit with the issue of faith right now. Again, this is a difficult balance. I have faith that God can do anything. I have faith that He can keep this baby strong and allow me to deliver a full term healthy baby. But, I don't that He will. Is that a lack of faith? Maybe. I do pray expecting that He will answer my prayers, but I also know that He may not.
Anyway, I'm starting to circular think here so I think I might should stop for tonight. I do welcome your feed back. Forgive me for saying in my last post that I was getting annoyed by people saying that I should just have faith and not worry. I guess I just want people to understand that having faith is not a guarantee of getting whatever it is you are having faith for. I should have faith. I should be at peace. I should fear not. I should not worry. It's just difficult. But, no one said it would be easy, right? I welcome your comments, support, and encouragement. Please don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
BTW, complete sidebar here, Whitney did take a peak between the legs. However, I cannot say what we did or did not see today. I cannot tell everyone else until I tell Wesley, and I don't want to tell Wesley until we know for sure. 14 weeks is very early to be trying to call this, so I just want to wait another week or two and be sure. Sorry to tease you all like this!!!
OK, so I want to end with these two things...
If I never saw our sweet baby alive again, today would be enough to hold me until eternity. My heart is so full. Today was miraculous!! I am extremely grateful!! I know that I would still miss and long for this baby, but these precious images were seared into my head today. God was totally showing me what HE CAN DO!!!
I will still love HIM no matter what happens. I do desire His will above my own.
So glad you got to 'spend some time' with Baby today! Amazing that they thought they could tell what he/she is! I know your faith will keep you through it all. Praise God for your wonderful visit today! Thanks for updating, I might have stayed up waiting for it :) Love, Hannah
ReplyDeleteI am so excited for you and your growing family! I am glad you had a good visit and finding the DVD was like a cherry on top :) I can't wait to find out what my new little neighbor will be. If he/she turns out to be a girl, maybe you could consider naming her Faith!! Keep the updates coming. I love you guys! ~Kristina
ReplyDeleteWhat a great visit! I do know where you are in your "circular" reasoning. I have been there often in our years of infertility. Of course you want to pray boldly and expect what you ask from Him, but at the same time knowing He might not answer the way you have prayed. There is always that fine balance and I think God still wants you to pray boldly and as I was reminded, no matter how He answers, He is no less God. Neither to you (as you yourself have just declared) nor to others. He can protect His own reputation. Assess your heart and pray for God to give you boldness in the midst of your doubt and worry or to give you peace if He has other plans. I imagine if put you into that sitation, you would still respond with Faith, even if you do not "feel" it at the time. Above all, remember God knows how you feel--up and down and we are simply called to act in obedience and leave the heart for Him to change.
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