12 Weeks

I've been trying to write a post for days now about my last doctor's appointment. I've started several times but have been unable to finish. I'm really struggling these days with feeling anxious. The next few weeks are going to be hard. The fact that everything has been perfect so far doesn't offer much comfort, because I never seem to have problems until around 14 weeks or later. I've had a really good past couple of days, so I think I can actually get through this this time.

My last appointment was Thursday, March 4th. Baby looks great!! Heartrate was 162 bpm. Baby measured 5.39 cm. I was 12 weeks on Thursday, and on ultrasound baby measured 12 weeks exactly!! All great news!!

Dr. Conrad and I decided a couple weeks ago that I would visit every 2 weeks for a check-up and ultrasound. So when I was leaving, I went to schedule my next appointment. I was told that the week Dr. Conrad wanted me to come back was spring break week, and he would not be on vacation every day but one. He's coming in one day to see a few patients, and I was offered an appointment on that day, March 17th. That's when everything started to get very scary for me.

Let me back up and set the stage for you. I found out on March 17, 2007 that I had miscarried our 5th child, Isaiah Ray Minor. It was our second loss. It was the Saturday before spring break week. Dr. Conrad was on his traditional spring break vacation with his family. I was a little over 15 weeks. I was anxious, because the sting and hurt of losing Samuel Thomas was still so fresh on my mind. Also Samuel's original due date was in March, so that was adding to my anxiety. Now here I am, feeling anxious again, scheduled for a 14 week appointment on the same date, also on spring break week. Dr. Conrad will be out of town most of the week. Additionally, Wesley will be out of town most of the week.

At first I accepted the appointment with a smile. But over the next 24 hours it really started to bother me. It feels like the stage is set for another great tragedy. It did occur to me that it could also be set for a great redemption. As I was sharing with a friend how I was feeling, she also said, "what if this is not the great tragedy, but the great redemption of that date." It was the same thought I had already had, so it did encourage me somewhat. But then I think of my track record and am discouraged again. It's just a scary time.

I miscarried Samuel at almost 20 weeks, but based on this growth it appeared that he probably passed away around 16 weeks. I was around the 15 week mark with both Isaiah and Joshua. We have no idea what has caused these babies to pass other than the fact that God called them home. As that time draws near, I am struggling to really submit to God's will regarding the future of this baby. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I prayed and told God that I accepted the fact that this child was His, I was at peace regardless of how long he allowed us to carry this child, and that I would be grateful for whatever He gave me. But now, I'm feeling much more selfish.

I guess these next few weeks are just going to be a test of my faith. I'm trying to be at peace, to fully trust Him, to surrender to Him. My prayer for a long time has been that I could pray, "not my will, but Yours be done", and mean it. Right now, I'm really, really struggling with that.

The last thing Dr. Conrad said to me before I left last week was if you need to come in next week, come on! So, I am going. I will be seen again this Thursday at 13 weeks. I really wanted to be seen for several reasons. I have a short trip planned myself this weekend. Wesley is going to be out of town for part of the week next week. And, I would like to see Dr. Conrad again before he goes out of town. I delivered Isaiah with the the doctor that does call for Dr. Conrad when Dr. Conrad is out of town. He was a terrific doctor, but Dr. Conrad is just so amazing. If something were to go wrong, I just really prefer to be under his medical care.

On another note, here's a couple 12 week picture of me! I have 12 week ultrasound pictures also, but I cannot post them right now. Our computer crashed week before last. (That's another post that I hope to write soon!!) Wesley got me going again on another computer, but I haven't got everything hooked up to this computer yet. So, I cannot scan my pictures yet.



Now this dress does tend to make me look a little bigger, but my belly really is growing! I'm surprised at how much I'm showing already!

Thanks for praying for me! I really covet your continued prayers over the next several weeks. I put up another more light-hearted post tonight, scroll on down and check it out!