My Brown Eyed Girl...

...my only brown eyed girl, turned 6 years old today!! Were has the time gone?

Happy 6th Birthday, Mary Ruth!! I LOVE you more than chocolate!! (This is just a fun little thing we say in the Minor family, but everyone here knows that this means a whole LOT of LOVE!!)

HE Loves Me (and You) Anyway

Even though this song is a little edgier than what I normally go for, it speaks to my heart in such a big way!! Hope it will speak to you as well.

HaPpY Pictures!!

So this week has been really hard, but I have not/still do not feel like or have time to write about it. I have done a TERRIBLE job of returning calls and messages. I'm so sorry! It means so much to have precious family and friends reaching out to us and loving on us. Forgive me for not doing a better job at keeping in touch this week.

Right now I just want to share a feel photos that I've taken this week that have made me hApPy!!!

"Minor" kid picture! LOVE these kiddos to death!


We had yearbook pictures made this week. Mary Ruth is a kindergartener this year. How in the world did she get so big so fast?!!! I LOVE this picture of my "Little Middle". It's a long story, but "Little Middle" is one of the many affectionate names we have for Mary Ruth!


Wesley and I group Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth as the "big ones", and Bella Peace and Elizabeth as the "little ones". Looks like me might have to promote this precious one before too long! Currently Bella Peace likes to put herself into the category that is most advantageous to her in the moment. She's one smart girl!


I made a point this week to try to get some close up pictures of Grace. I really don't want to forget her smile at this age! The missing and newly budding teeth just make for the cutest smile E.V.E.R!!



This week I did not take any individual pics of my bookend kiddos. Guess I'll have to focus on Luke and Elizabeth in the next few days!

Me and My Honey on our date night!! We went to dinner and to see the movie "Courageous". It's a great movie! Heavy, very, very heavy!! But GOOD!! It's better that I did not know going into it how deep and heavy it was going to be. I might not have chosen to see it right now. BUT I am really glad we saw it.


LOVE my Courageous Man!!

Not

Today was NOT a bad day, once I actually got going. I do NOT like getting up, even when my world is perfect. Getting up and getting started was definitely the hardest part.

I accomplished a few things...NOT as many as I would have liked.

We managed a decent school day, but NOT as many subjects as we should have gotten in. For some reason, I decided we should tackle the subjects that were stressing me the most. Using Mary Ruth's word for the day that was NOT "logical" (the other day her word was rational, but now she's using logical instead), but it was NOT bad either. Luke and Grace tackled math impressing me and their daddy with their new "mental" math abilities. And Mary Ruth read like she had been reading for years. Oh I needed that today!

Wesley did go to work, but NOT for a full 8 hours.

Elizabeth was NOT a happy baby for most of the day. Wesley said she was missing him too much...surely that could NOT have been it.

I did NOT require the paper bag...no hyperventilating at all today. NOT at all...today. :)

We planned some of the details for a funeral and memorial for Jude, but we did NOT finalize all arrangements. We hope/plan to have the plans finalized tomorrow. We will share them once we have them all set.

Today was NOT a bad day. The Lord was gracious today. I know that many, many prayers made all the difference.

Tomorrow we GET to do it all over again. I'm NOT as anxious about tomorrow as I was about today.

Stronger:: Love it, Hate it

I have a love/hate relationship with this song.



It seems this song is played every ten minutes on our Christian radio station. I cried EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I heard when I was pregnant with Jude. Every time I heard this song, I told God that I did not want to be "stronger" and begged Him not to "make me stronger". Not this time. Not Jude.

Before losing Jude when I would hear this song I would think about my past history and my testimony and the very real possibility of losing another sweet baby boy, my Miracle Boy, my Jude. I would just feel overwhelmed with many emotions but comforted at the same time. Comforted in the knowledge that I have been made stronger through my past hurts. Comforted in knowing that He is right there with me, and would help me get through...."if". There was/is part of me that so knows the truth to this song but as of today there's part of me that resents those truths. I really did not want to be made stronger. Definitely not in this way. I am totally resisting this. Will I be made stronger this time? I surely don't feel stronger right now. And I'm no longer "feeling" the comforting part of this song.

I knew my past. I knew that my doctor had great concerns about me carrying a baby boy. I had them too. BUT, BUT I really believed that this was going to turn out differently. With several of my losses, I've had a Divine intuition that something was wrong. I did not really sense that this time. There were times I was anxious, but I really did chalk it up to just fear. But maybe in hind sight, there were a few clues. Maybe this song and others and books that I was reading were little things that He was using to prepare me. I think I missed it. I was not prepared.

When I got in the car after learning that Jude was with the Lord this song came on almost immediately. I felt sick to my stomach and angry and turned it off. I had not listened to it since, until today. Today, again with very mixed emotions, I listened. It so accurately describes the way I'm feeling...up all night, my world is not right, feel like things will never get better, definitely wondering why is it always raining on me, and the waves are for sure pulling me under. So very accurate and real.

In the first couple of days it was easier to think about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in my life. That's gotten harder. I know it's true. I know it, I know it. I just don't feel it right now. I need to feel it. Again. And again. And again. It's not easy, but I'm doing my very best to reflect on Truth.

Our pastor frequently says that feelings follow actions. Just do what you know you are suppose to do, and eventually your feelings will follow. That's where I am at today.

one.....foot.....in.....front......of.....the....other

and then sometimes I just feel like I can't move my feet and I crash

My action today was going to church. I did not feel like going. But I went. I wish that I could say it felt good. But if I'm honest, it did not. I can barely tell you what the message was about. And I'm sharing this tonight for one reason, really two....first because one day, prayerfully soon, my feelings are going to catch up to my actions and I want to remember where I was and how the Lord was faithful. (This is true, right?!! Someone say it's true!) I'm struggling with the idea that this is going to get better. Secondly because one day, unfortunately, someone else is going to be right here and maybe, just maybe this will somehow encourage them. I've asked the Lord many times to show me beauty from these ashes, to show me how He makes things new and beautiful again, to show me His glory, to not let my pain be in vain. I need to know that there is some purpose in this pain.

It's very easy to forget where we've been and how far we've come. Sometimes I'm shocked when I look back at my journals or past blog posts. I can hardly remember being there or feeling that way or thinking those thoughts, and I can hardly remember how the Lord work and moved and how faithful and good He was/is. Sometimes it's painful and ugly, but sometimes, sometimes it's....beautiful! Honestly a lot of times it's beautiful, and we fail to see it.

He hath made every thing beautiful His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

On a side note, Wesley is going back to work tomorrow. That makes me want to hyperventilate. AND we will need to make some funeral arrangements tomorrow....yep now I am going to get a paper bag. These two things, especially the latter, stress me on so many levels....

one...foot...in....front....of....the...other

Saturday 12:00 AM Update

I really don't know how else to title these post right now as they really are just little updates. I know that many friends are checking in on us and are concerned with how we are doing. It's hard. There's just nothing else to say. Here's a bit about today (Friday). This post is confusing to me since it's just after midnight, therefore officially Saturday but I'm writing about Friday. I'll try to make the timeline clear.

Grace called me into her room tonight after she had been down for close to an hour. She said she was having trouble going to sleep. I asked her why and she said it was because she was scared of something bad happening. That totally broke my heart. I know that she and probably all the kiddos are dealing in ways I totally don't know, realize, or understand. She asked me to please leave some lights on when I went to bed. I prayed with her and tucked her back in and shortly thereafter she did finally fall asleep.

I had serious trouble with sleep myself last night (Thursday) night. I did not end up falling to sleep until the wee wee hours of Friday morning. As of right now I'm thinking that tonight could be a repeat. The nights are the hardest for sure.

The small little things that occur in one's life each day totally lead to meltdowns for me right now. For instance, I vacuumed the floor and the kids tracked in almost immediately...I cried about it. Then while eating dinner at around 6:30 PM I realized that I had planned on going to the biggest women's event our church has each year. The event was tonight (Friday night). It only happens once each year. I LOVE it and had heard very good things about the speaker tonight. It started at 6:00 PM, and I totally missed it. At the moment I realized it, there was no way I could get dressed and make it. I really, really cried about this one. Truth is I'm not sure that I would have really felt like it if I had remembered, I just hated that fact that I forgot and therefore missed the chance to make that decision. The other thing that really upset me today was finding out that our termite company cancelled on us because we had a ten year contract that just recently expired. Apparently we had a really good contract and it was better for them to cancel and make us start over than to keep the existing contract. :( Ugh!! Now I guess I get to start looking at getting us established in a new contract which means new start up fees and more money, money, money!!! Very frustrating!!

I've always struggled with why we have the added little things in the midst of BIG crisis. I mean it feels like adding insult to injury to me. I know that others totally relate to this.

The director of the funeral home that we planned to use called today to see if we were ready to make some arrangements. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around these details this time. I'm so not ready. We will have to make some plans and get back to him by the first of next week, but I'm so not ready.

I really hate to continue to be so doom and gloom with these updates, so I thought I would end with a few things I did enjoy about life today in random order...

1. pictures the kiddos colored for me
2. a good meal delivered by a sweet friend tonight (also had one delivered last night and enjoyed YUMMY left overs for lunch)
3. clean kitchen counter tops even if it only lasted like an hour
4. getting mostly caught up on laundry
5. Mary Ruth and her new favorite word - "rational"...all day she's been saying that things were either not rational or totally rational. I LOVE my Brown Eyed Beauty! She is the one to always make the silliest faces and come up with the silliest things to say!! Too cute!!
6. Elizabeth smiling so big and lifting her arms up to me when I walk in her room in the morning or after nap.
7. Grace's smile. She's missing so many teeth right now!! When she opens her mouth and I see her one very big tooth in the front of her mouth, it so makes me smile too!! I'm blessed by all my children, but Grace especially blesses me because she LOVES me so much and wants to be like me in spite of the fact that she sees all my failures up close and personal!! Today Wesley went to run and errand and asked all the kiddos to go so that I could be home by myself to rest. Grace insisted on staying with me to help me. :)
8. Rocking Bella Peace to sleep each day! I LOVE that she is 3 1/2 years old and still LOVES to be rocked to sleep. I also LOVE that she's so adventurous!! She's making me more gray each day, but it's fun to watch her enjoy life to the fullest!!
9. freshly cut grass, especially when Luke's the one that has done most of the cutting. If it was not for Luke I don't know how we would take care of the yard these days. He's such a big helper!! I simply cannot believe that he was the first one to call me "Mommy" and now he's far to big to use baby words like "Mommy"!
10. MY BEST FRIEND!! I do not know what I would do without Wesley. In fact I do not know what I am going to do next week when he goes back to work. He's been so very good to me. So very tender and loving! I LOVE that Man!! He works so hard for our family!!
11. I know it's totally random to end on 11, but things are a little random for me right now so it's fitting. There's no way I could end this list without mentioning all the family and friends who are loving us so well right now! We love you back!

Thursday 10:30 PM Update

First I want to say thank you again to everyone who has prayed for us and loved on us this past week. In the beginning I tried to thank everyone as we went by responding to all messages, but somewhere along the way I've lost track. I want you to know that each message, text, email, card, call, etc. has blessed me/us and I'm sorry that I've not returned each one.

One week ago today we found out that Jude had gone to be with the Lord. I'm thrilled that he is in Heaven with Jesus and with his brothers, but I'm so broken that he's no longer with me.

Here's where we are today...

Yesterday I slept almost all day long. Since my surgery was so late Wednesday night, we stayed at the hospital until pretty late afternoon so that I could rest and continue to recover. Wesley and I left around 4:30 PM and started making the rounds to pick up all the kiddos. We got home around 5:30 PM. After a brief reunion and lots of hugs, I feel back asleep and slept until after 10:00 PM. By the time I woke up, the house was very quiet...everyone else was also asleep.

I spent a few minutes looking at the keepsakes that I have accumulated for Jude. All that I have to remember him by fills less than half of a shoe box. It's not enough.

Yesterday and today, I'm very sore all over. All of my muscles just hurt. I'm not exactly sure what has caused all the soreness, but I'm guessing that 3 bags of pitocin sure did not help. Also my neck, mouth, and throat are very, very sore from having a tube down my throat from surgery. Ugh!! But I have been able to tell as the day went on that I'm improving physically.

Wesley took off again today. I'm was so thankful that he was here with me all day, but honestly pretty surprised and maybe a wee bit stressed thinking about what a week off means for him/us. Last Thursday he left work in a rush when I called him with the news, and he's not been back since. He's also arranged a sub for his paper route for the past several days. I'm guessing that he's probably pretty behind and he will mostly likely be going in for a while tomorrow. I know it's necessary, but I sure will miss not having him with me.

We have not made funeral arrangements yet. We still have to do that, but I've just not felt like making he plans yet.

This time is very different, and I can't exactly explain why. I just feel very numb. I don't much feel like talking about all that has happened or how I'm feeling or anything really. I don't feel like getting out or resuming life as usual, but I don't feel like just doing nothing either. I've never ever been private about much, but this time I guess I'm doing most of my grieving privately.

I'm also desperately trying to grab hold of something that I can control since clearly there's so much in life that we cannot control. I've been trying hard to get my house in order today. Having a clean, organized house....hum, is that really something I can control. I'm thinking that with 5 young ones the answer most of the time is no, but I've been trying anyway.

So this is my update for now. I'm hoping to finish up the happy parts of Jude's story and continue with Part 2 of his story. I also want to finish up the posts that I have been working on to complete the first 12 months of updates for Elizabeth. I'm planning on turning those 12 monthly posts into a photo book in lieu of a traditional baby book for Elizabeth. Katy be looking for me to call on you for help with this little project!

I'd like to leave you with a few prayer requests...

1. We are having the most in depth genetic testing run on Jude that are possible. More in depth than have been previously run. I would love to know more about why this happens, if it's the Lord's will for me to know. It's possible that this is one of those things that we will never know or understand this side of Heaven, but if it were possible for us to know I sure would love to. In praying this please pray for the Lord's will and if it's not His will for us to know, please pray that He gives us peace in not knowing.

2. I've tried to be sure that our insurance is going to fully cover these tests, but they are so rare and practically unheard of that I can't seem to get a straight answer. I think that they will be covered, but they are very, very expensive and if they are not covered we are going to be facing quite a big bill. Please, please pray that they are covered in full. We really cannot afford the additional expenses right now especially considering the many expenses that are already involved in these kind of situations.

3. And this one I know that you are already praying for...please continue to pray for our broken hearts. Please especially pray as you go to bed. When the house gets quiet at night and the kiddos are tucked in and Wesley is asleep, there's nothing left for me to get lost except my sadness. This time of night is hard and I find it really hard to go to sleep. It's late and there's nothing left to do, and I feel so lost and lonely and empty. And now I feel like I'm sharing too much and making everyone else sad, so I'm going to stop.

Thank you again for loving us during this time.