Thursday 10:30 PM Update

First I want to say thank you again to everyone who has prayed for us and loved on us this past week. In the beginning I tried to thank everyone as we went by responding to all messages, but somewhere along the way I've lost track. I want you to know that each message, text, email, card, call, etc. has blessed me/us and I'm sorry that I've not returned each one.

One week ago today we found out that Jude had gone to be with the Lord. I'm thrilled that he is in Heaven with Jesus and with his brothers, but I'm so broken that he's no longer with me.

Here's where we are today...

Yesterday I slept almost all day long. Since my surgery was so late Wednesday night, we stayed at the hospital until pretty late afternoon so that I could rest and continue to recover. Wesley and I left around 4:30 PM and started making the rounds to pick up all the kiddos. We got home around 5:30 PM. After a brief reunion and lots of hugs, I feel back asleep and slept until after 10:00 PM. By the time I woke up, the house was very quiet...everyone else was also asleep.

I spent a few minutes looking at the keepsakes that I have accumulated for Jude. All that I have to remember him by fills less than half of a shoe box. It's not enough.

Yesterday and today, I'm very sore all over. All of my muscles just hurt. I'm not exactly sure what has caused all the soreness, but I'm guessing that 3 bags of pitocin sure did not help. Also my neck, mouth, and throat are very, very sore from having a tube down my throat from surgery. Ugh!! But I have been able to tell as the day went on that I'm improving physically.

Wesley took off again today. I'm was so thankful that he was here with me all day, but honestly pretty surprised and maybe a wee bit stressed thinking about what a week off means for him/us. Last Thursday he left work in a rush when I called him with the news, and he's not been back since. He's also arranged a sub for his paper route for the past several days. I'm guessing that he's probably pretty behind and he will mostly likely be going in for a while tomorrow. I know it's necessary, but I sure will miss not having him with me.

We have not made funeral arrangements yet. We still have to do that, but I've just not felt like making he plans yet.

This time is very different, and I can't exactly explain why. I just feel very numb. I don't much feel like talking about all that has happened or how I'm feeling or anything really. I don't feel like getting out or resuming life as usual, but I don't feel like just doing nothing either. I've never ever been private about much, but this time I guess I'm doing most of my grieving privately.

I'm also desperately trying to grab hold of something that I can control since clearly there's so much in life that we cannot control. I've been trying hard to get my house in order today. Having a clean, organized house....hum, is that really something I can control. I'm thinking that with 5 young ones the answer most of the time is no, but I've been trying anyway.

So this is my update for now. I'm hoping to finish up the happy parts of Jude's story and continue with Part 2 of his story. I also want to finish up the posts that I have been working on to complete the first 12 months of updates for Elizabeth. I'm planning on turning those 12 monthly posts into a photo book in lieu of a traditional baby book for Elizabeth. Katy be looking for me to call on you for help with this little project!

I'd like to leave you with a few prayer requests...

1. We are having the most in depth genetic testing run on Jude that are possible. More in depth than have been previously run. I would love to know more about why this happens, if it's the Lord's will for me to know. It's possible that this is one of those things that we will never know or understand this side of Heaven, but if it were possible for us to know I sure would love to. In praying this please pray for the Lord's will and if it's not His will for us to know, please pray that He gives us peace in not knowing.

2. I've tried to be sure that our insurance is going to fully cover these tests, but they are so rare and practically unheard of that I can't seem to get a straight answer. I think that they will be covered, but they are very, very expensive and if they are not covered we are going to be facing quite a big bill. Please, please pray that they are covered in full. We really cannot afford the additional expenses right now especially considering the many expenses that are already involved in these kind of situations.

3. And this one I know that you are already praying for...please continue to pray for our broken hearts. Please especially pray as you go to bed. When the house gets quiet at night and the kiddos are tucked in and Wesley is asleep, there's nothing left for me to get lost except my sadness. This time of night is hard and I find it really hard to go to sleep. It's late and there's nothing left to do, and I feel so lost and lonely and empty. And now I feel like I'm sharing too much and making everyone else sad, so I'm going to stop.

Thank you again for loving us during this time.