Stronger:: Love it, Hate it

I have a love/hate relationship with this song.



It seems this song is played every ten minutes on our Christian radio station. I cried EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I heard when I was pregnant with Jude. Every time I heard this song, I told God that I did not want to be "stronger" and begged Him not to "make me stronger". Not this time. Not Jude.

Before losing Jude when I would hear this song I would think about my past history and my testimony and the very real possibility of losing another sweet baby boy, my Miracle Boy, my Jude. I would just feel overwhelmed with many emotions but comforted at the same time. Comforted in the knowledge that I have been made stronger through my past hurts. Comforted in knowing that He is right there with me, and would help me get through...."if". There was/is part of me that so knows the truth to this song but as of today there's part of me that resents those truths. I really did not want to be made stronger. Definitely not in this way. I am totally resisting this. Will I be made stronger this time? I surely don't feel stronger right now. And I'm no longer "feeling" the comforting part of this song.

I knew my past. I knew that my doctor had great concerns about me carrying a baby boy. I had them too. BUT, BUT I really believed that this was going to turn out differently. With several of my losses, I've had a Divine intuition that something was wrong. I did not really sense that this time. There were times I was anxious, but I really did chalk it up to just fear. But maybe in hind sight, there were a few clues. Maybe this song and others and books that I was reading were little things that He was using to prepare me. I think I missed it. I was not prepared.

When I got in the car after learning that Jude was with the Lord this song came on almost immediately. I felt sick to my stomach and angry and turned it off. I had not listened to it since, until today. Today, again with very mixed emotions, I listened. It so accurately describes the way I'm feeling...up all night, my world is not right, feel like things will never get better, definitely wondering why is it always raining on me, and the waves are for sure pulling me under. So very accurate and real.

In the first couple of days it was easier to think about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in my life. That's gotten harder. I know it's true. I know it, I know it. I just don't feel it right now. I need to feel it. Again. And again. And again. It's not easy, but I'm doing my very best to reflect on Truth.

Our pastor frequently says that feelings follow actions. Just do what you know you are suppose to do, and eventually your feelings will follow. That's where I am at today.

one.....foot.....in.....front......of.....the....other

and then sometimes I just feel like I can't move my feet and I crash

My action today was going to church. I did not feel like going. But I went. I wish that I could say it felt good. But if I'm honest, it did not. I can barely tell you what the message was about. And I'm sharing this tonight for one reason, really two....first because one day, prayerfully soon, my feelings are going to catch up to my actions and I want to remember where I was and how the Lord was faithful. (This is true, right?!! Someone say it's true!) I'm struggling with the idea that this is going to get better. Secondly because one day, unfortunately, someone else is going to be right here and maybe, just maybe this will somehow encourage them. I've asked the Lord many times to show me beauty from these ashes, to show me how He makes things new and beautiful again, to show me His glory, to not let my pain be in vain. I need to know that there is some purpose in this pain.

It's very easy to forget where we've been and how far we've come. Sometimes I'm shocked when I look back at my journals or past blog posts. I can hardly remember being there or feeling that way or thinking those thoughts, and I can hardly remember how the Lord work and moved and how faithful and good He was/is. Sometimes it's painful and ugly, but sometimes, sometimes it's....beautiful! Honestly a lot of times it's beautiful, and we fail to see it.

He hath made every thing beautiful His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

On a side note, Wesley is going back to work tomorrow. That makes me want to hyperventilate. AND we will need to make some funeral arrangements tomorrow....yep now I am going to get a paper bag. These two things, especially the latter, stress me on so many levels....

one...foot...in....front....of....the...other