Today was NOT a bad day, once I actually got going. I do NOT like getting up, even when my world is perfect. Getting up and getting started was definitely the hardest part.
I accomplished a few things...NOT as many as I would have liked.
We managed a decent school day, but NOT as many subjects as we should have gotten in. For some reason, I decided we should tackle the subjects that were stressing me the most. Using Mary Ruth's word for the day that was NOT "logical" (the other day her word was rational, but now she's using logical instead), but it was NOT bad either. Luke and Grace tackled math impressing me and their daddy with their new "mental" math abilities. And Mary Ruth read like she had been reading for years. Oh I needed that today!
Wesley did go to work, but NOT for a full 8 hours.
Elizabeth was NOT a happy baby for most of the day. Wesley said she was missing him too much...surely that could NOT have been it.
I did NOT require the paper bag...no hyperventilating at all today. NOT at all...today. :)
We planned some of the details for a funeral and memorial for Jude, but we did NOT finalize all arrangements. We hope/plan to have the plans finalized tomorrow. We will share them once we have them all set.
Today was NOT a bad day. The Lord was gracious today. I know that many, many prayers made all the difference.
Tomorrow we GET to do it all over again. I'm NOT as anxious about tomorrow as I was about today.
Quote
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Stronger:: Love it, Hate it
I have a love/hate relationship with this song.
It seems this song is played every ten minutes on our Christian radio station. I cried EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I heard when I was pregnant with Jude. Every time I heard this song, I told God that I did not want to be "stronger" and begged Him not to "make me stronger". Not this time. Not Jude.
Before losing Jude when I would hear this song I would think about my past history and my testimony and the very real possibility of losing another sweet baby boy, my Miracle Boy, my Jude. I would just feel overwhelmed with many emotions but comforted at the same time. Comforted in the knowledge that I have been made stronger through my past hurts. Comforted in knowing that He is right there with me, and would help me get through...."if". There was/is part of me that so knows the truth to this song but as of today there's part of me that resents those truths. I really did not want to be made stronger. Definitely not in this way. I am totally resisting this. Will I be made stronger this time? I surely don't feel stronger right now. And I'm no longer "feeling" the comforting part of this song.
I knew my past. I knew that my doctor had great concerns about me carrying a baby boy. I had them too. BUT, BUT I really believed that this was going to turn out differently. With several of my losses, I've had a Divine intuition that something was wrong. I did not really sense that this time. There were times I was anxious, but I really did chalk it up to just fear. But maybe in hind sight, there were a few clues. Maybe this song and others and books that I was reading were little things that He was using to prepare me. I think I missed it. I was not prepared.
When I got in the car after learning that Jude was with the Lord this song came on almost immediately. I felt sick to my stomach and angry and turned it off. I had not listened to it since, until today. Today, again with very mixed emotions, I listened. It so accurately describes the way I'm feeling...up all night, my world is not right, feel like things will never get better, definitely wondering why is it always raining on me, and the waves are for sure pulling me under. So very accurate and real.
In the first couple of days it was easier to think about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in my life. That's gotten harder. I know it's true. I know it, I know it. I just don't feel it right now. I need to feel it. Again. And again. And again. It's not easy, but I'm doing my very best to reflect on Truth.
Our pastor frequently says that feelings follow actions. Just do what you know you are suppose to do, and eventually your feelings will follow. That's where I am at today.
one.....foot.....in.....front......of.....the....other
and then sometimes I just feel like I can't move my feet and I crash
My action today was going to church. I did not feel like going. But I went. I wish that I could say it felt good. But if I'm honest, it did not. I can barely tell you what the message was about. And I'm sharing this tonight for one reason, really two....first because one day, prayerfully soon, my feelings are going to catch up to my actions and I want to remember where I was and how the Lord was faithful. (This is true, right?!! Someone say it's true!) I'm struggling with the idea that this is going to get better. Secondly because one day, unfortunately, someone else is going to be right here and maybe, just maybe this will somehow encourage them. I've asked the Lord many times to show me beauty from these ashes, to show me how He makes things new and beautiful again, to show me His glory, to not let my pain be in vain. I need to know that there is some purpose in this pain.
It's very easy to forget where we've been and how far we've come. Sometimes I'm shocked when I look back at my journals or past blog posts. I can hardly remember being there or feeling that way or thinking those thoughts, and I can hardly remember how the Lord work and moved and how faithful and good He was/is. Sometimes it's painful and ugly, but sometimes, sometimes it's....beautiful! Honestly a lot of times it's beautiful, and we fail to see it.
He hath made every thing beautiful His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
On a side note, Wesley is going back to work tomorrow. That makes me want to hyperventilate. AND we will need to make some funeral arrangements tomorrow....yep now I am going to get a paper bag. These two things, especially the latter, stress me on so many levels....
one...foot...in....front....of....the...other
It seems this song is played every ten minutes on our Christian radio station. I cried EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I heard when I was pregnant with Jude. Every time I heard this song, I told God that I did not want to be "stronger" and begged Him not to "make me stronger". Not this time. Not Jude.
Before losing Jude when I would hear this song I would think about my past history and my testimony and the very real possibility of losing another sweet baby boy, my Miracle Boy, my Jude. I would just feel overwhelmed with many emotions but comforted at the same time. Comforted in the knowledge that I have been made stronger through my past hurts. Comforted in knowing that He is right there with me, and would help me get through...."if". There was/is part of me that so knows the truth to this song but as of today there's part of me that resents those truths. I really did not want to be made stronger. Definitely not in this way. I am totally resisting this. Will I be made stronger this time? I surely don't feel stronger right now. And I'm no longer "feeling" the comforting part of this song.
I knew my past. I knew that my doctor had great concerns about me carrying a baby boy. I had them too. BUT, BUT I really believed that this was going to turn out differently. With several of my losses, I've had a Divine intuition that something was wrong. I did not really sense that this time. There were times I was anxious, but I really did chalk it up to just fear. But maybe in hind sight, there were a few clues. Maybe this song and others and books that I was reading were little things that He was using to prepare me. I think I missed it. I was not prepared.
When I got in the car after learning that Jude was with the Lord this song came on almost immediately. I felt sick to my stomach and angry and turned it off. I had not listened to it since, until today. Today, again with very mixed emotions, I listened. It so accurately describes the way I'm feeling...up all night, my world is not right, feel like things will never get better, definitely wondering why is it always raining on me, and the waves are for sure pulling me under. So very accurate and real.
In the first couple of days it was easier to think about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in my life. That's gotten harder. I know it's true. I know it, I know it. I just don't feel it right now. I need to feel it. Again. And again. And again. It's not easy, but I'm doing my very best to reflect on Truth.
Our pastor frequently says that feelings follow actions. Just do what you know you are suppose to do, and eventually your feelings will follow. That's where I am at today.
one.....foot.....in.....front......of.....the....other
and then sometimes I just feel like I can't move my feet and I crash
My action today was going to church. I did not feel like going. But I went. I wish that I could say it felt good. But if I'm honest, it did not. I can barely tell you what the message was about. And I'm sharing this tonight for one reason, really two....first because one day, prayerfully soon, my feelings are going to catch up to my actions and I want to remember where I was and how the Lord was faithful. (This is true, right?!! Someone say it's true!) I'm struggling with the idea that this is going to get better. Secondly because one day, unfortunately, someone else is going to be right here and maybe, just maybe this will somehow encourage them. I've asked the Lord many times to show me beauty from these ashes, to show me how He makes things new and beautiful again, to show me His glory, to not let my pain be in vain. I need to know that there is some purpose in this pain.
It's very easy to forget where we've been and how far we've come. Sometimes I'm shocked when I look back at my journals or past blog posts. I can hardly remember being there or feeling that way or thinking those thoughts, and I can hardly remember how the Lord work and moved and how faithful and good He was/is. Sometimes it's painful and ugly, but sometimes, sometimes it's....beautiful! Honestly a lot of times it's beautiful, and we fail to see it.
He hath made every thing beautiful His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
On a side note, Wesley is going back to work tomorrow. That makes me want to hyperventilate. AND we will need to make some funeral arrangements tomorrow....yep now I am going to get a paper bag. These two things, especially the latter, stress me on so many levels....
one...foot...in....front....of....the...other
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday 12:00 AM Update
I really don't know how else to title these post right now as they really are just little updates. I know that many friends are checking in on us and are concerned with how we are doing. It's hard. There's just nothing else to say. Here's a bit about today (Friday). This post is confusing to me since it's just after midnight, therefore officially Saturday but I'm writing about Friday. I'll try to make the timeline clear.
Grace called me into her room tonight after she had been down for close to an hour. She said she was having trouble going to sleep. I asked her why and she said it was because she was scared of something bad happening. That totally broke my heart. I know that she and probably all the kiddos are dealing in ways I totally don't know, realize, or understand. She asked me to please leave some lights on when I went to bed. I prayed with her and tucked her back in and shortly thereafter she did finally fall asleep.
I had serious trouble with sleep myself last night (Thursday) night. I did not end up falling to sleep until the wee wee hours of Friday morning. As of right now I'm thinking that tonight could be a repeat. The nights are the hardest for sure.
The small little things that occur in one's life each day totally lead to meltdowns for me right now. For instance, I vacuumed the floor and the kids tracked in almost immediately...I cried about it. Then while eating dinner at around 6:30 PM I realized that I had planned on going to the biggest women's event our church has each year. The event was tonight (Friday night). It only happens once each year. I LOVE it and had heard very good things about the speaker tonight. It started at 6:00 PM, and I totally missed it. At the moment I realized it, there was no way I could get dressed and make it. I really, really cried about this one. Truth is I'm not sure that I would have really felt like it if I had remembered, I just hated that fact that I forgot and therefore missed the chance to make that decision. The other thing that really upset me today was finding out that our termite company cancelled on us because we had a ten year contract that just recently expired. Apparently we had a really good contract and it was better for them to cancel and make us start over than to keep the existing contract. :( Ugh!! Now I guess I get to start looking at getting us established in a new contract which means new start up fees and more money, money, money!!! Very frustrating!!
I've always struggled with why we have the added little things in the midst of BIG crisis. I mean it feels like adding insult to injury to me. I know that others totally relate to this.
The director of the funeral home that we planned to use called today to see if we were ready to make some arrangements. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around these details this time. I'm so not ready. We will have to make some plans and get back to him by the first of next week, but I'm so not ready.
I really hate to continue to be so doom and gloom with these updates, so I thought I would end with a few things I did enjoy about life today in random order...
1. pictures the kiddos colored for me
2. a good meal delivered by a sweet friend tonight (also had one delivered last night and enjoyed YUMMY left overs for lunch)
3. clean kitchen counter tops even if it only lasted like an hour
4. getting mostly caught up on laundry
5. Mary Ruth and her new favorite word - "rational"...all day she's been saying that things were either not rational or totally rational. I LOVE my Brown Eyed Beauty! She is the one to always make the silliest faces and come up with the silliest things to say!! Too cute!!
6. Elizabeth smiling so big and lifting her arms up to me when I walk in her room in the morning or after nap.
7. Grace's smile. She's missing so many teeth right now!! When she opens her mouth and I see her one very big tooth in the front of her mouth, it so makes me smile too!! I'm blessed by all my children, but Grace especially blesses me because she LOVES me so much and wants to be like me in spite of the fact that she sees all my failures up close and personal!! Today Wesley went to run and errand and asked all the kiddos to go so that I could be home by myself to rest. Grace insisted on staying with me to help me. :)
8. Rocking Bella Peace to sleep each day! I LOVE that she is 3 1/2 years old and still LOVES to be rocked to sleep. I also LOVE that she's so adventurous!! She's making me more gray each day, but it's fun to watch her enjoy life to the fullest!!
9. freshly cut grass, especially when Luke's the one that has done most of the cutting. If it was not for Luke I don't know how we would take care of the yard these days. He's such a big helper!! I simply cannot believe that he was the first one to call me "Mommy" and now he's far to big to use baby words like "Mommy"!
10. MY BEST FRIEND!! I do not know what I would do without Wesley. In fact I do not know what I am going to do next week when he goes back to work. He's been so very good to me. So very tender and loving! I LOVE that Man!! He works so hard for our family!!
11. I know it's totally random to end on 11, but things are a little random for me right now so it's fitting. There's no way I could end this list without mentioning all the family and friends who are loving us so well right now! We love you back!
Grace called me into her room tonight after she had been down for close to an hour. She said she was having trouble going to sleep. I asked her why and she said it was because she was scared of something bad happening. That totally broke my heart. I know that she and probably all the kiddos are dealing in ways I totally don't know, realize, or understand. She asked me to please leave some lights on when I went to bed. I prayed with her and tucked her back in and shortly thereafter she did finally fall asleep.
I had serious trouble with sleep myself last night (Thursday) night. I did not end up falling to sleep until the wee wee hours of Friday morning. As of right now I'm thinking that tonight could be a repeat. The nights are the hardest for sure.
The small little things that occur in one's life each day totally lead to meltdowns for me right now. For instance, I vacuumed the floor and the kids tracked in almost immediately...I cried about it. Then while eating dinner at around 6:30 PM I realized that I had planned on going to the biggest women's event our church has each year. The event was tonight (Friday night). It only happens once each year. I LOVE it and had heard very good things about the speaker tonight. It started at 6:00 PM, and I totally missed it. At the moment I realized it, there was no way I could get dressed and make it. I really, really cried about this one. Truth is I'm not sure that I would have really felt like it if I had remembered, I just hated that fact that I forgot and therefore missed the chance to make that decision. The other thing that really upset me today was finding out that our termite company cancelled on us because we had a ten year contract that just recently expired. Apparently we had a really good contract and it was better for them to cancel and make us start over than to keep the existing contract. :( Ugh!! Now I guess I get to start looking at getting us established in a new contract which means new start up fees and more money, money, money!!! Very frustrating!!
I've always struggled with why we have the added little things in the midst of BIG crisis. I mean it feels like adding insult to injury to me. I know that others totally relate to this.
The director of the funeral home that we planned to use called today to see if we were ready to make some arrangements. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around these details this time. I'm so not ready. We will have to make some plans and get back to him by the first of next week, but I'm so not ready.
I really hate to continue to be so doom and gloom with these updates, so I thought I would end with a few things I did enjoy about life today in random order...
1. pictures the kiddos colored for me
2. a good meal delivered by a sweet friend tonight (also had one delivered last night and enjoyed YUMMY left overs for lunch)
3. clean kitchen counter tops even if it only lasted like an hour
4. getting mostly caught up on laundry
5. Mary Ruth and her new favorite word - "rational"...all day she's been saying that things were either not rational or totally rational. I LOVE my Brown Eyed Beauty! She is the one to always make the silliest faces and come up with the silliest things to say!! Too cute!!
6. Elizabeth smiling so big and lifting her arms up to me when I walk in her room in the morning or after nap.
7. Grace's smile. She's missing so many teeth right now!! When she opens her mouth and I see her one very big tooth in the front of her mouth, it so makes me smile too!! I'm blessed by all my children, but Grace especially blesses me because she LOVES me so much and wants to be like me in spite of the fact that she sees all my failures up close and personal!! Today Wesley went to run and errand and asked all the kiddos to go so that I could be home by myself to rest. Grace insisted on staying with me to help me. :)
8. Rocking Bella Peace to sleep each day! I LOVE that she is 3 1/2 years old and still LOVES to be rocked to sleep. I also LOVE that she's so adventurous!! She's making me more gray each day, but it's fun to watch her enjoy life to the fullest!!
9. freshly cut grass, especially when Luke's the one that has done most of the cutting. If it was not for Luke I don't know how we would take care of the yard these days. He's such a big helper!! I simply cannot believe that he was the first one to call me "Mommy" and now he's far to big to use baby words like "Mommy"!
10. MY BEST FRIEND!! I do not know what I would do without Wesley. In fact I do not know what I am going to do next week when he goes back to work. He's been so very good to me. So very tender and loving! I LOVE that Man!! He works so hard for our family!!
11. I know it's totally random to end on 11, but things are a little random for me right now so it's fitting. There's no way I could end this list without mentioning all the family and friends who are loving us so well right now! We love you back!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday 10:30 PM Update
First I want to say thank you again to everyone who has prayed for us and loved on us this past week. In the beginning I tried to thank everyone as we went by responding to all messages, but somewhere along the way I've lost track. I want you to know that each message, text, email, card, call, etc. has blessed me/us and I'm sorry that I've not returned each one.
One week ago today we found out that Jude had gone to be with the Lord. I'm thrilled that he is in Heaven with Jesus and with his brothers, but I'm so broken that he's no longer with me.
Here's where we are today...
Yesterday I slept almost all day long. Since my surgery was so late Wednesday night, we stayed at the hospital until pretty late afternoon so that I could rest and continue to recover. Wesley and I left around 4:30 PM and started making the rounds to pick up all the kiddos. We got home around 5:30 PM. After a brief reunion and lots of hugs, I feel back asleep and slept until after 10:00 PM. By the time I woke up, the house was very quiet...everyone else was also asleep.
I spent a few minutes looking at the keepsakes that I have accumulated for Jude. All that I have to remember him by fills less than half of a shoe box. It's not enough.
Yesterday and today, I'm very sore all over. All of my muscles just hurt. I'm not exactly sure what has caused all the soreness, but I'm guessing that 3 bags of pitocin sure did not help. Also my neck, mouth, and throat are very, very sore from having a tube down my throat from surgery. Ugh!! But I have been able to tell as the day went on that I'm improving physically.
Wesley took off again today. I'm was so thankful that he was here with me all day, but honestly pretty surprised and maybe a wee bit stressed thinking about what a week off means for him/us. Last Thursday he left work in a rush when I called him with the news, and he's not been back since. He's also arranged a sub for his paper route for the past several days. I'm guessing that he's probably pretty behind and he will mostly likely be going in for a while tomorrow. I know it's necessary, but I sure will miss not having him with me.
We have not made funeral arrangements yet. We still have to do that, but I've just not felt like making he plans yet.
This time is very different, and I can't exactly explain why. I just feel very numb. I don't much feel like talking about all that has happened or how I'm feeling or anything really. I don't feel like getting out or resuming life as usual, but I don't feel like just doing nothing either. I've never ever been private about much, but this time I guess I'm doing most of my grieving privately.
I'm also desperately trying to grab hold of something that I can control since clearly there's so much in life that we cannot control. I've been trying hard to get my house in order today. Having a clean, organized house....hum, is that really something I can control. I'm thinking that with 5 young ones the answer most of the time is no, but I've been trying anyway.
So this is my update for now. I'm hoping to finish up the happy parts of Jude's story and continue with Part 2 of his story. I also want to finish up the posts that I have been working on to complete the first 12 months of updates for Elizabeth. I'm planning on turning those 12 monthly posts into a photo book in lieu of a traditional baby book for Elizabeth. Katy be looking for me to call on you for help with this little project!
I'd like to leave you with a few prayer requests...
1. We are having the most in depth genetic testing run on Jude that are possible. More in depth than have been previously run. I would love to know more about why this happens, if it's the Lord's will for me to know. It's possible that this is one of those things that we will never know or understand this side of Heaven, but if it were possible for us to know I sure would love to. In praying this please pray for the Lord's will and if it's not His will for us to know, please pray that He gives us peace in not knowing.
2. I've tried to be sure that our insurance is going to fully cover these tests, but they are so rare and practically unheard of that I can't seem to get a straight answer. I think that they will be covered, but they are very, very expensive and if they are not covered we are going to be facing quite a big bill. Please, please pray that they are covered in full. We really cannot afford the additional expenses right now especially considering the many expenses that are already involved in these kind of situations.
3. And this one I know that you are already praying for...please continue to pray for our broken hearts. Please especially pray as you go to bed. When the house gets quiet at night and the kiddos are tucked in and Wesley is asleep, there's nothing left for me to get lost except my sadness. This time of night is hard and I find it really hard to go to sleep. It's late and there's nothing left to do, and I feel so lost and lonely and empty. And now I feel like I'm sharing too much and making everyone else sad, so I'm going to stop.
Thank you again for loving us during this time.
One week ago today we found out that Jude had gone to be with the Lord. I'm thrilled that he is in Heaven with Jesus and with his brothers, but I'm so broken that he's no longer with me.
Here's where we are today...
Yesterday I slept almost all day long. Since my surgery was so late Wednesday night, we stayed at the hospital until pretty late afternoon so that I could rest and continue to recover. Wesley and I left around 4:30 PM and started making the rounds to pick up all the kiddos. We got home around 5:30 PM. After a brief reunion and lots of hugs, I feel back asleep and slept until after 10:00 PM. By the time I woke up, the house was very quiet...everyone else was also asleep.
I spent a few minutes looking at the keepsakes that I have accumulated for Jude. All that I have to remember him by fills less than half of a shoe box. It's not enough.
Yesterday and today, I'm very sore all over. All of my muscles just hurt. I'm not exactly sure what has caused all the soreness, but I'm guessing that 3 bags of pitocin sure did not help. Also my neck, mouth, and throat are very, very sore from having a tube down my throat from surgery. Ugh!! But I have been able to tell as the day went on that I'm improving physically.
Wesley took off again today. I'm was so thankful that he was here with me all day, but honestly pretty surprised and maybe a wee bit stressed thinking about what a week off means for him/us. Last Thursday he left work in a rush when I called him with the news, and he's not been back since. He's also arranged a sub for his paper route for the past several days. I'm guessing that he's probably pretty behind and he will mostly likely be going in for a while tomorrow. I know it's necessary, but I sure will miss not having him with me.
We have not made funeral arrangements yet. We still have to do that, but I've just not felt like making he plans yet.
This time is very different, and I can't exactly explain why. I just feel very numb. I don't much feel like talking about all that has happened or how I'm feeling or anything really. I don't feel like getting out or resuming life as usual, but I don't feel like just doing nothing either. I've never ever been private about much, but this time I guess I'm doing most of my grieving privately.
I'm also desperately trying to grab hold of something that I can control since clearly there's so much in life that we cannot control. I've been trying hard to get my house in order today. Having a clean, organized house....hum, is that really something I can control. I'm thinking that with 5 young ones the answer most of the time is no, but I've been trying anyway.
So this is my update for now. I'm hoping to finish up the happy parts of Jude's story and continue with Part 2 of his story. I also want to finish up the posts that I have been working on to complete the first 12 months of updates for Elizabeth. I'm planning on turning those 12 monthly posts into a photo book in lieu of a traditional baby book for Elizabeth. Katy be looking for me to call on you for help with this little project!
I'd like to leave you with a few prayer requests...
1. We are having the most in depth genetic testing run on Jude that are possible. More in depth than have been previously run. I would love to know more about why this happens, if it's the Lord's will for me to know. It's possible that this is one of those things that we will never know or understand this side of Heaven, but if it were possible for us to know I sure would love to. In praying this please pray for the Lord's will and if it's not His will for us to know, please pray that He gives us peace in not knowing.
2. I've tried to be sure that our insurance is going to fully cover these tests, but they are so rare and practically unheard of that I can't seem to get a straight answer. I think that they will be covered, but they are very, very expensive and if they are not covered we are going to be facing quite a big bill. Please, please pray that they are covered in full. We really cannot afford the additional expenses right now especially considering the many expenses that are already involved in these kind of situations.
3. And this one I know that you are already praying for...please continue to pray for our broken hearts. Please especially pray as you go to bed. When the house gets quiet at night and the kiddos are tucked in and Wesley is asleep, there's nothing left for me to get lost except my sadness. This time of night is hard and I find it really hard to go to sleep. It's late and there's nothing left to do, and I feel so lost and lonely and empty. And now I feel like I'm sharing too much and making everyone else sad, so I'm going to stop.
Thank you again for loving us during this time.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday 1:30 PM Update
After a nice morning of rest, I'm finally up and moving around. Getting a shower and then will be discharged. Looking so forward to our "Minor" family reunion!! Thanks to everyone for your prayers. We are blessed to have so many people who love us!!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday 8:45 PM Update - Jennifer out of surgery
Dr Conrad just came in to see me and said Jennifer did great, thank you Lord. She will be in recovery a minimum of 45 minutes. Thank you for your prayers. I am glad my girl is ok. Wes
Tuesday 7:45 PM Update
They just took her back for the D & C. Please pray everything goes well. I'll update the blog later on. Wes
Tuesday Evening 7:00 PM Update
Just wanted to thank everyone for your prayers. Doc just came in and we are definitely going to be having a D&C. Currently the operation room is full so it will probably be one to two hours before they take me back. I expect to be down for the night after that. Wesley will post an update when I get out of surgery. Please continue to pray for all to go well with D&C and recovery.
Tuesday Afternoon 3:30 PM Update
Wanted to give an update....Jude was born this morning around 11:24 am. Delivery went well. We were happy to have the opportunity to see and hold our baby boy. Without being too graphic, I will say the process is still not complete and it looks like I will mostly likely be having a D&C sometime later this evening (unless something changes). We will keep everyone posted. We still expect to accept visitors once everything is complete.
Tuesday Morning 4:30 AM Update
I planned to write an update all day yesterday (Monday), but it was such a busy day that I did not get an opportunity. We checked in around 9:00 PM and finally finished all the paperwork and started to rest around 11:30. I received the first dose of medicine at that time and went to sleep. My wonderful nurse came in about an hour ago to give me 2nd dose. Now I'm wide away and can't get back to sleep. We are hoping to deliver fairly early tomorrow. After delivery, we will let everyone know. Several people have asked about visiting. We welcome visitors after we delivered. Thank you so much for your love and prayers!!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tomorrow
Here's a confession...so far I think I've been in hiding. I think I just realized it. I have avoided face to face visits and phone calls. I've been in touch with family and friends, but it's all been by internet or texting.
Can't quite explain why, but I think it's because I'm avoiding really accepting reality. At home Mommy duties never stop so I've been as busy as ever. It's easy to hide out at home. Get up, put a smile on, put one front in front of the other, do the next thing, and rarely will the kiddos notice anything different. And it's just so busy. One meal runs into the next, clean up, pick up, (actually I've been slacking on a lot of this) diapers, discipline, etc. It's not until the kids go to bed at night that I even stop to think about really anything at all. Oh all the emotion is there, I just cover it up with all the daily duties. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but not the emotions. Does that make sense at all? And I feel so tired and so weary. So beat up. But no, I can't stop, can't slow down, 'cause then it will all catch up to me. I've had PLENTY of offers to help out with the kids or meals or whatever, but I've turned it all down because then I might be free...free to think, free to feel. Nope. I don't feel like any of that right now.
I'm actually feeling so anxious about church tomorrow. I know that everyone is going to look at me with sad eyes, and then I have no choice but to face reality. Ugh!!! I just don't feel like doing this. I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel like being face to face or talking or getting hugged on. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of being sad. I've traveled this road too many times, and I don't want to be on it again. I really don't want to be the center of this kind of attention. I don't want people to ask me questions like how many times will you let yourself be hurt like this. I really HATE that question!! I really just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed for a long, long time. Of course I know that eventually I would have to get up, and Jude would still be gone. Eventually I would have to go out, and my family and friends would still be hurting for me and with me. Yep, I've got to face reality. It just hurts, and I don't want to.
But you know, grief is such a crazy thing because I'm so very, very grateful to be loved by so many. I'm so thankful that family and friends will seek me out to talk to me, call me, hug me, cry with me, grieve with me. I know that the questions almost always come from genuine concern and love. So please don't avoid me if you see me in church. Like I said, grief is a crazy thing...if you avoided me because of what I just wrote I would probably be even more sad. Just don't expect to much. There's no rhyme or reason to how I'm feeling from one moment to the next. There's just no understanding it. Some of you know that far to well.
Oh and please don't worry about the all the running and hiding, experience tells me that I can't out run it forever. Eventually it will catch me. Eventually I will face reality. Going to the hospital to deliver a baby that I will never know this side of heaven, saying good bye, and leaving the hospital with empty arms...yeah it'll catch up to me. And I will be OK.
Sorry this one is such a downer...I'm just trying to prepare myself for tomorrow.
**Note I've edited this twice. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or scared to see me or scared to say the wrong thing. But I don't feel like myself. I feel so numb and weird and I feel like I need to be prepared for tomorrow and also warn my friends and explain why I've not returned calls. I guess all I can say is what I've already said, you just can't explain this grief thing. I really want to know that everyone is there...loving me, supporting me, praying for me, but also I just don't want to deal with it right now. So now, I'm just rambling....
Can't quite explain why, but I think it's because I'm avoiding really accepting reality. At home Mommy duties never stop so I've been as busy as ever. It's easy to hide out at home. Get up, put a smile on, put one front in front of the other, do the next thing, and rarely will the kiddos notice anything different. And it's just so busy. One meal runs into the next, clean up, pick up, (actually I've been slacking on a lot of this) diapers, discipline, etc. It's not until the kids go to bed at night that I even stop to think about really anything at all. Oh all the emotion is there, I just cover it up with all the daily duties. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but not the emotions. Does that make sense at all? And I feel so tired and so weary. So beat up. But no, I can't stop, can't slow down, 'cause then it will all catch up to me. I've had PLENTY of offers to help out with the kids or meals or whatever, but I've turned it all down because then I might be free...free to think, free to feel. Nope. I don't feel like any of that right now.
I'm actually feeling so anxious about church tomorrow. I know that everyone is going to look at me with sad eyes, and then I have no choice but to face reality. Ugh!!! I just don't feel like doing this. I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel like being face to face or talking or getting hugged on. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of being sad. I've traveled this road too many times, and I don't want to be on it again. I really don't want to be the center of this kind of attention. I don't want people to ask me questions like how many times will you let yourself be hurt like this. I really HATE that question!! I really just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed for a long, long time. Of course I know that eventually I would have to get up, and Jude would still be gone. Eventually I would have to go out, and my family and friends would still be hurting for me and with me. Yep, I've got to face reality. It just hurts, and I don't want to.
But you know, grief is such a crazy thing because I'm so very, very grateful to be loved by so many. I'm so thankful that family and friends will seek me out to talk to me, call me, hug me, cry with me, grieve with me. I know that the questions almost always come from genuine concern and love. So please don't avoid me if you see me in church. Like I said, grief is a crazy thing...if you avoided me because of what I just wrote I would probably be even more sad. Just don't expect to much. There's no rhyme or reason to how I'm feeling from one moment to the next. There's just no understanding it. Some of you know that far to well.
Oh and please don't worry about the all the running and hiding, experience tells me that I can't out run it forever. Eventually it will catch me. Eventually I will face reality. Going to the hospital to deliver a baby that I will never know this side of heaven, saying good bye, and leaving the hospital with empty arms...yeah it'll catch up to me. And I will be OK.
Sorry this one is such a downer...I'm just trying to prepare myself for tomorrow.
**Note I've edited this twice. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or scared to see me or scared to say the wrong thing. But I don't feel like myself. I feel so numb and weird and I feel like I need to be prepared for tomorrow and also warn my friends and explain why I've not returned calls. I guess all I can say is what I've already said, you just can't explain this grief thing. I really want to know that everyone is there...loving me, supporting me, praying for me, but also I just don't want to deal with it right now. So now, I'm just rambling....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Jude ~ The Whole Story ~ Part 1
I'm going to start a little before Jude's beginning. After Elizabeth was born we did nothing to prevent another "little Minor blessing". I was actually surprised based on our past that we did not receive news any sooner than we did, but then in the first few days of May we learned that indeed we were expecting again!! :) While we were both very excited, I had that gut feeling that something wasn't right. My fears were confirmed when we miscarried Memorial Day weekend. I was between 6-8 weeks. My cycle had been off and we were not really sure of how far along I was. Then the ultrasounds looked off too. We saw the sac and fetal pole, but the baby never developed to the point that we could see a heartbeat. That baby was our 9th child, my 4th miscarriage, but my only "early" miscarriage. My doctor reminded me how often "those kind" of miscarriages occur. (I'm totally not minimizing early miscarriages, just stating that they are the most common. I do recognize that it's still the loss of a child and still heartbreaking.) We were obviously very sad, but we had never made a big announcement that we were expecting so we just kind of kept it to ourselves for the most part. Even our kiddos did not know we were expecting. I guess we mostly kept it quiet because from the beginning I had the feeling that something wasn't right.
I'll be honest, I was pretty discouraged after that loss. I felt like maybe it was time to be done. Others have suggested that to us in the past saying things like, "How many times are you going to let yourself be hurt like this." I thought well maybe they are right. Maybe it is time to stop. We decided to prevent for a few months while we prayed and sought God's will regarding future children. Well God made His will known a few weeks later when one Sunday afternoon I lost my lunch. I remember thinking...."Oh that seems very familiar." The next day I woke up feeling pretty lousy, and I thought, "No, way...I can't be." I told a girlfriend that I wasn't feeling well and she laughed and instantly assumed I must be pregnant even though I was telling her that I could not be. I also told Wesley and he instantly agreed with me that it could not be. Later on that day, I took a home pregnancy test. And you all know the result!! I was surprised this time. Truly surprised. But oh so happy!! And so begins the story of our 10th baby...the Lord had given us Jude.
One of the reasons I was surprised is because I had been spotting off and on a lot after my miscarriage and had thought that I had my cycle just a couple weeks before. I guess really things just had never returned to normal after the miscarriage. I guess my whole body was a little out of whack, because I had stopped nursing around this same time. With the pregnancy and miscarriage, my milk supply just really took a hit. So anyway, I had no idea what to expect as far as how far along I might be. I even had a thought once that maybe I had actually never miscarried. I called my doctor's office and discussed everything with them, and they had me come in a few days later. My first ultrasound with Jude revealed that I was already 6 weeks along!! We could instantly see a healthy baby and healthy heartbeat!! Previously I've always known I was pregnant very early, like 4 weeks. It was nice to already be off to a healthy start and not to have to wait for that first appointment.
In my 9 previous pregnancies, I've known the gender every time (believe that Baby # 9 was probably a boy, but it was never confirmed) before the ultrasound revealed it. I believe it is some God given special intuition. With Jude, the moment I saw the positive test, I knew that #10 was a boy!! I just knew it. Of course with my history, I was pretty nervous about the idea of being pregnant with a boy. I instantly started praying and reading everything I could AGAIN and doing all the research I could about miscarriages, miscarriages occurring with just male babies, etc. My doctor was also very concerned. He told me if I was right, he did not think the odds of me having a healthy baby boy were very good. He went back over everything as well trying to be sure that we had not missed anything, just trying to figure out if there was anything that could be done to save our boy. (I also wrote about this a few post back.) He started monitoring very closely and referred me to another perinatologist. (I've seen a couple others over the years.) I'll share more about that visit later in this post. In spite of it all, I felt pretty good about this pregnancy.
We were having weekly ultrasounds and at 14 weeks, Jude revealed himself to be all boy!!! We had named him weeks earlier. Wesley and I had discussed names when I was pregnant with Baby #9 and we both really liked Jude. Our pastor had been preaching from the book of Jude and several of the sermons had really blessed me. I read the book of Jude several times. I also LOVE that Jude in Scripture was the half brother to Jesus. And I LOVED how Jude fit together with the middle name we wanted to use. The middle had come to us months and months earlier while having lunch with Papa and Nana. It occurred to me that because they were never able to have children of their own, they did not have someone to carry on their name. In my heart I prayed and asked the Lord to give us a male child to name after them. Later I shared the idea with Wesley, he loved it, and agreed that if we had the chance we would use their name. After finding out we were pregnant with #10 and just feeling so sure it was a boy, we decided that if we were right it would indeed be Jude Mathes.
I believe that the Lord confirmed Jude's gender and name to me a few days later when late one night I was in bed reading the book, "One Thousand Gifts". I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! If you haven't read it, go get it immediately and read it!! It has been/continues to be life altering to me. I know that this book helped prepare me for now. The book is about thanksgiving and gratitude and seeing the Lord's goodness in all things. So one night while reading this book I got to a part in the book that made me start to drift off and think about my children's names and why we named each of them what we did and what their names mean. It occurred to me that for the first time ever, I had not looked up what a name meant before deciding on it. I thought, "Oh no!!! What if I don't like what Jude means." I jumped out of bed and literally ran to the computer to look up the meaning. Guess what?!! Jude means THANKS!!!!!!!!!!! While I'm reading a book on thanks!! While the Lord is doing such a work in my heart about thanksgiving and praise!!!! HE gives us the name Jude, and it means THANKS!!!!! Doesn't that give you a chill all over? Doesn't it make the hair stand up on your arms?!!! It did me then, and as I write this right now it does again. I'm in awe of His greatness!!
I love saying his name, writing his name, hearing his name, seeing his name in print. Jude. Jude Mathes. Jude Mathes Minor. Don't you love it too?!!! Especially now that you know the story behind the name!
At that moment, I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that Jude was indeed a boy and that no name could ever be more perfect. That no child could ever be more fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly created. And I fell even deeper in love with the child whose name means thanks!! And I felt so thankful for him. I think this was around the time that I began to think of Jude as my "Miracle Boy"!!
Jude is still my Miracle Boy. Our Miracle Boy. There are actually many miracles if one is really looking. Not the miracle(s) I would have chosen for myself necessarily, but then God knows so much better than we do, right? I remember writing something similar after losing Joshua. It's not easy to see this in that light, but I know that it's truth. I will write more about the miracles I see later in this post.
Oh how I LOVE this boy. Oh how I miss him. So, so much! Thanks for reading his story. It may seem long, but really it is a very short story considering I will be able to write all of the details of his entire life in two maybe three sittings. I'm praying that while his short life may be detailed in a few pages of print, his impact on God's kingdom will be immeasurable. It would bless my soul to know that his story affected just one person. Prayerfully that person would impact at least one more. And the love of Christ might be spread just a bit further all because a loving Creator saw fit to form a little boy who grew in his mother's womb.
To Be Continued
I'll be honest, I was pretty discouraged after that loss. I felt like maybe it was time to be done. Others have suggested that to us in the past saying things like, "How many times are you going to let yourself be hurt like this." I thought well maybe they are right. Maybe it is time to stop. We decided to prevent for a few months while we prayed and sought God's will regarding future children. Well God made His will known a few weeks later when one Sunday afternoon I lost my lunch. I remember thinking...."Oh that seems very familiar." The next day I woke up feeling pretty lousy, and I thought, "No, way...I can't be." I told a girlfriend that I wasn't feeling well and she laughed and instantly assumed I must be pregnant even though I was telling her that I could not be. I also told Wesley and he instantly agreed with me that it could not be. Later on that day, I took a home pregnancy test. And you all know the result!! I was surprised this time. Truly surprised. But oh so happy!! And so begins the story of our 10th baby...the Lord had given us Jude.
One of the reasons I was surprised is because I had been spotting off and on a lot after my miscarriage and had thought that I had my cycle just a couple weeks before. I guess really things just had never returned to normal after the miscarriage. I guess my whole body was a little out of whack, because I had stopped nursing around this same time. With the pregnancy and miscarriage, my milk supply just really took a hit. So anyway, I had no idea what to expect as far as how far along I might be. I even had a thought once that maybe I had actually never miscarried. I called my doctor's office and discussed everything with them, and they had me come in a few days later. My first ultrasound with Jude revealed that I was already 6 weeks along!! We could instantly see a healthy baby and healthy heartbeat!! Previously I've always known I was pregnant very early, like 4 weeks. It was nice to already be off to a healthy start and not to have to wait for that first appointment.
In my 9 previous pregnancies, I've known the gender every time (believe that Baby # 9 was probably a boy, but it was never confirmed) before the ultrasound revealed it. I believe it is some God given special intuition. With Jude, the moment I saw the positive test, I knew that #10 was a boy!! I just knew it. Of course with my history, I was pretty nervous about the idea of being pregnant with a boy. I instantly started praying and reading everything I could AGAIN and doing all the research I could about miscarriages, miscarriages occurring with just male babies, etc. My doctor was also very concerned. He told me if I was right, he did not think the odds of me having a healthy baby boy were very good. He went back over everything as well trying to be sure that we had not missed anything, just trying to figure out if there was anything that could be done to save our boy. (I also wrote about this a few post back.) He started monitoring very closely and referred me to another perinatologist. (I've seen a couple others over the years.) I'll share more about that visit later in this post. In spite of it all, I felt pretty good about this pregnancy.
We were having weekly ultrasounds and at 14 weeks, Jude revealed himself to be all boy!!! We had named him weeks earlier. Wesley and I had discussed names when I was pregnant with Baby #9 and we both really liked Jude. Our pastor had been preaching from the book of Jude and several of the sermons had really blessed me. I read the book of Jude several times. I also LOVE that Jude in Scripture was the half brother to Jesus. And I LOVED how Jude fit together with the middle name we wanted to use. The middle had come to us months and months earlier while having lunch with Papa and Nana. It occurred to me that because they were never able to have children of their own, they did not have someone to carry on their name. In my heart I prayed and asked the Lord to give us a male child to name after them. Later I shared the idea with Wesley, he loved it, and agreed that if we had the chance we would use their name. After finding out we were pregnant with #10 and just feeling so sure it was a boy, we decided that if we were right it would indeed be Jude Mathes.
I believe that the Lord confirmed Jude's gender and name to me a few days later when late one night I was in bed reading the book, "One Thousand Gifts". I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! If you haven't read it, go get it immediately and read it!! It has been/continues to be life altering to me. I know that this book helped prepare me for now. The book is about thanksgiving and gratitude and seeing the Lord's goodness in all things. So one night while reading this book I got to a part in the book that made me start to drift off and think about my children's names and why we named each of them what we did and what their names mean. It occurred to me that for the first time ever, I had not looked up what a name meant before deciding on it. I thought, "Oh no!!! What if I don't like what Jude means." I jumped out of bed and literally ran to the computer to look up the meaning. Guess what?!! Jude means THANKS!!!!!!!!!!! While I'm reading a book on thanks!! While the Lord is doing such a work in my heart about thanksgiving and praise!!!! HE gives us the name Jude, and it means THANKS!!!!! Doesn't that give you a chill all over? Doesn't it make the hair stand up on your arms?!!! It did me then, and as I write this right now it does again. I'm in awe of His greatness!!
I love saying his name, writing his name, hearing his name, seeing his name in print. Jude. Jude Mathes. Jude Mathes Minor. Don't you love it too?!!! Especially now that you know the story behind the name!
At that moment, I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that Jude was indeed a boy and that no name could ever be more perfect. That no child could ever be more fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly created. And I fell even deeper in love with the child whose name means thanks!! And I felt so thankful for him. I think this was around the time that I began to think of Jude as my "Miracle Boy"!!
Jude is still my Miracle Boy. Our Miracle Boy. There are actually many miracles if one is really looking. Not the miracle(s) I would have chosen for myself necessarily, but then God knows so much better than we do, right? I remember writing something similar after losing Joshua. It's not easy to see this in that light, but I know that it's truth. I will write more about the miracles I see later in this post.
Oh how I LOVE this boy. Oh how I miss him. So, so much! Thanks for reading his story. It may seem long, but really it is a very short story considering I will be able to write all of the details of his entire life in two maybe three sittings. I'm praying that while his short life may be detailed in a few pages of print, his impact on God's kingdom will be immeasurable. It would bless my soul to know that his story affected just one person. Prayerfully that person would impact at least one more. And the love of Christ might be spread just a bit further all because a loving Creator saw fit to form a little boy who grew in his mother's womb.
To Be Continued
Induction Scheduled
We just received the plans for Jude's delivery. Unless something starts up on it's on before, we will be admitted to the hospital Monday night with plans to deliver sometime Tuesday. We expect a Tuesday morning delivery. We are specifically praying for delivery to go well.
Seems so unreal.
We have tons of other details to work out.
I just want to say that your prayers are totally carrying me through this day. Thank you so much for letting me know that you are praying and for so many sweet words. We don't need anything more than your prayers right now.
Seems so unreal.
We have tons of other details to work out.
I just want to say that your prayers are totally carrying me through this day. Thank you so much for letting me know that you are praying and for so many sweet words. We don't need anything more than your prayers right now.
Morning One
I rouse to consciousness and realize that I'm hurting. My head. My eyes. Oh, and then yes. My heart. Oh how my heart hurts. Literally like it has been torn in two. Oh please say it was a bad dream. That it is a bad dream. Indeed it is, but not one I will wake up from this side of Heaven. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to pull the covers over myself and just stay, but the other children force me out. I pick Elizabeth up out of her crib, and I squeeze her tight. After changing her diaper I rush to the computer knowing that their will be sweet words from friends waiting for me. Awwwww and there are some sweet words. I read. Feel thankful that others love me, us and are praying for us. I start remembering, yes we will get through this. I feel the prayers. One friend writes, "His lovingkindness and mercies are new every morning." I feel like I gain a little wind in my sails. I leave the computer and move to the couch with all the kiddos and we watch cartoons. And this is morning one.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Jude
Jude is no longer with us.
BUT, We rejoice in knowing he is with Jesus instead.
We already miss him so much. So, so much. Already.
I'll post details tomorrow.
We're coming, son. One day we will see you again. One day. We all LOVE you so much.
(I LOVE this song. It ministers to me so very much. If you want to hear it, click on the title. You may need to go down to the slideshow of Elizabeth's birth, click on the musical note, and turn the volume down on that song.)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV
The Lord is righteous in all his ways, and holy in all his works. The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.
Psalm 145:17-18
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. Great is the Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.
Psalm 146:3-5
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5
BUT, We rejoice in knowing he is with Jesus instead.
We already miss him so much. So, so much. Already.
I'll post details tomorrow.
We're coming, son. One day we will see you again. One day. We all LOVE you so much.
(I LOVE this song. It ministers to me so very much. If you want to hear it, click on the title. You may need to go down to the slideshow of Elizabeth's birth, click on the musical note, and turn the volume down on that song.)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV
The Lord is righteous in all his ways, and holy in all his works. The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.
Psalm 145:17-18
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. Great is the Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.
Psalm 146:3-5
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Elizabeth's One Year Old!!!!
**Edited to add another picture below and to say, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers, support, encouragement and sweet comments and emails from my last post. We are so very excited!! In addition to today being Elizabeth's one year birthday, I'm also 16 weeks as of today!!**
Click here to read her birth story.
This is one of my favorite pictures from that day!!
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I also LOVE this one. This was taken just a few minutes after she was born. Not too bad, huh?! :) Caroline must have done some editing. :)
Here's the slideshow of pictures from her birth. I'm so THANKFUL to have these pictures and others that were taken that day. If you run the pointer over the video you will get an option to "Visit Gallery" in the upper left hand corner, click this and go to the photographers website to view the slideshow in a full screen. Thank you, thank you, thank you, CAROLINE!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE looking at these pictures. I don't have anything like this with my other children. I sure wish I did!! I feel so blessed. The Lord has been so good to me.
**I edited this again and took the slideshow down. It was creating a problem when listening to other videos. If you would like to see the slideshow (I HIGHLY recommend it), please click the link or copy/paste the link into your browser. Enjoy!!**
http://www.carolinejphotography.com/babye/slideshow
This past year has flown by and my little girl has grown so much and gotten so big!!
This was Elizabeth's reaction when she woke up today and we told her it was her birthday.
In this picture we were all trying to teach her to hold up just one finger. She actually started doing it!! You can just barely tell in this picture.
Just got this picture at dinner of her showing us "one"!! It's so cute! Throughout the day, she's gotten better and better at doing this. Now everytime we say, "show us one" or "birthday", she holds up one finger!
And finally here's a picture of all our precious kiddos!! I LOVE them all so VERY MUCH!!! I think this is such a great picture of all of them. It's impossible to get the perfect picture anytime you are have 6 people involved. Even more impossible when they are all 8 and under, but this one comes close to perfect!! If you click on the picture, you should be able to see it full screen. Notice that Grace and Mary Ruth are holding hands. Awwwww...so sweet!!
Click here to read her birth story.
This is one of my favorite pictures from that day!!
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I also LOVE this one. This was taken just a few minutes after she was born. Not too bad, huh?! :) Caroline must have done some editing. :)
Here's the slideshow of pictures from her birth. I'm so THANKFUL to have these pictures and others that were taken that day. If you run the pointer over the video you will get an option to "Visit Gallery" in the upper left hand corner, click this and go to the photographers website to view the slideshow in a full screen. Thank you, thank you, thank you, CAROLINE!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE looking at these pictures. I don't have anything like this with my other children. I sure wish I did!! I feel so blessed. The Lord has been so good to me.
**I edited this again and took the slideshow down. It was creating a problem when listening to other videos. If you would like to see the slideshow (I HIGHLY recommend it), please click the link or copy/paste the link into your browser. Enjoy!!**
http://www.carolinejphotography.com/babye/slideshow
This past year has flown by and my little girl has grown so much and gotten so big!!
This was Elizabeth's reaction when she woke up today and we told her it was her birthday.
In this picture we were all trying to teach her to hold up just one finger. She actually started doing it!! You can just barely tell in this picture.
Just got this picture at dinner of her showing us "one"!! It's so cute! Throughout the day, she's gotten better and better at doing this. Now everytime we say, "show us one" or "birthday", she holds up one finger!
And finally here's a picture of all our precious kiddos!! I LOVE them all so VERY MUCH!!! I think this is such a great picture of all of them. It's impossible to get the perfect picture anytime you are have 6 people involved. Even more impossible when they are all 8 and under, but this one comes close to perfect!! If you click on the picture, you should be able to see it full screen. Notice that Grace and Mary Ruth are holding hands. Awwwww...so sweet!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Miracle Boy
Introducing the newest member of our family....
I've decided to nickname him "Miracle Boy", because I'm trusting that the Lord is going to do a miracle for this boy. For us.
If you are not familiar with why we might be in need of a miracle, the short story is that I've lost 3 baby boys in 2nd trimester miscarriages. We first lost Samuel at nearly 20 weeks. We do not know exactly when he passed away in the womb. He had not developed much beyond 16 weeks. Either his growth has drastically slowed or had stopped in between my monthly appointments. We lost Isaiah at about 16 weeks. Then Joshua. He was perfect, healthy, and fine at his 14 week appointment. At 15 weeks I went in to see that his heart was just barely beating. He passed away sometime that same day.
We are SO TOTALLY THRILLED about having another baby boy, but obviously it's a wee bit scary.
My amazing, wonderful doctor has tested me for everything under the sun, and yet the "why" behind these miscarriages has remained a mystery. I've also seen several different specialists. The major common denominator is that the miscarriages have all occurred with male babies. It appears as though me and the babies are completely healthy. In between these miscarriages I've had healthy girls. The theory for the past couple of years has been that maybe something occurred in my first pregnancy with Luke that led me to develop some type antibody against male babies. This also led us to believe that it "may" be impossible for me to carry other healthy male babies. This is just the theory. Medically we've not been able to prove it.
Last week, I saw another specialist, a perinatologist (basically a high risk OB), who offered a new theory. It's a long story, but while he agrees that the theory mentioned above it possible, he had a theory of his own. His theory offers more hope for the possibly of having another male baby which was encouraging.
Medically speaking we can continue to dig for the answers, to try to find out "why", but it's seems pretty definite that we've ruled out any possible treatment options. That has been my biggest question. Is there anything more we can do?!! The answer to my desperate questions is "No". We've prayed hard, had blood drawn countless times for various tests and labs, spent hours maybe days doing research, sought counsel, and seen multiple specialists to answer that question. What we've concluded is that as of right now there is no medical intervention available. As far as we know right now, modern medicine can't fix this...whatever this is. There's nothing else we can do, but PRAY. Ultimately it's all up to the Lord...isn't everything always that way anyway?!! So for now, we wait. We watch. And we pray. We pray hard that this baby defines the odds. We pray that This baby, Jude Mathes Minor, will be ours to hold in our arms, not just our hearts. And we trust. We trust that the same God that is holding our entire universe is also holding our hands and our baby.
I'm being monitored very, very carefully. The many reason for the carefully monitoring is that there may come a point where something changes and some medical intervention may be in order. If that should happen, we will do the same thing we are doing now...just pray through it.
I will try to go back and share some of the other details about appointments, specialist, and how we've arrived at our decisions if time ever permits.
For now, please pray with us. We KNOW that there is power in prayer!! For the most part, we are calm and at peace. I do have moments when I feel completely overwhelmed with fear, but those are few and I'm usually able to calm down when I meditate on God's Word and His promises.
Here's a video of the BIG REVEAL. We had a small party to reveal the gender and name to the kiddos. Papa and Nana Mathes and the Tunstill family was with us. Too bad that all of our family and friends could not be there for this big event. It was so very fun!!!
I've decided to nickname him "Miracle Boy", because I'm trusting that the Lord is going to do a miracle for this boy. For us.
If you are not familiar with why we might be in need of a miracle, the short story is that I've lost 3 baby boys in 2nd trimester miscarriages. We first lost Samuel at nearly 20 weeks. We do not know exactly when he passed away in the womb. He had not developed much beyond 16 weeks. Either his growth has drastically slowed or had stopped in between my monthly appointments. We lost Isaiah at about 16 weeks. Then Joshua. He was perfect, healthy, and fine at his 14 week appointment. At 15 weeks I went in to see that his heart was just barely beating. He passed away sometime that same day.
We are SO TOTALLY THRILLED about having another baby boy, but obviously it's a wee bit scary.
My amazing, wonderful doctor has tested me for everything under the sun, and yet the "why" behind these miscarriages has remained a mystery. I've also seen several different specialists. The major common denominator is that the miscarriages have all occurred with male babies. It appears as though me and the babies are completely healthy. In between these miscarriages I've had healthy girls. The theory for the past couple of years has been that maybe something occurred in my first pregnancy with Luke that led me to develop some type antibody against male babies. This also led us to believe that it "may" be impossible for me to carry other healthy male babies. This is just the theory. Medically we've not been able to prove it.
Last week, I saw another specialist, a perinatologist (basically a high risk OB), who offered a new theory. It's a long story, but while he agrees that the theory mentioned above it possible, he had a theory of his own. His theory offers more hope for the possibly of having another male baby which was encouraging.
Medically speaking we can continue to dig for the answers, to try to find out "why", but it's seems pretty definite that we've ruled out any possible treatment options. That has been my biggest question. Is there anything more we can do?!! The answer to my desperate questions is "No". We've prayed hard, had blood drawn countless times for various tests and labs, spent hours maybe days doing research, sought counsel, and seen multiple specialists to answer that question. What we've concluded is that as of right now there is no medical intervention available. As far as we know right now, modern medicine can't fix this...whatever this is. There's nothing else we can do, but PRAY. Ultimately it's all up to the Lord...isn't everything always that way anyway?!! So for now, we wait. We watch. And we pray. We pray hard that this baby defines the odds. We pray that This baby, Jude Mathes Minor, will be ours to hold in our arms, not just our hearts. And we trust. We trust that the same God that is holding our entire universe is also holding our hands and our baby.
I'm being monitored very, very carefully. The many reason for the carefully monitoring is that there may come a point where something changes and some medical intervention may be in order. If that should happen, we will do the same thing we are doing now...just pray through it.
I will try to go back and share some of the other details about appointments, specialist, and how we've arrived at our decisions if time ever permits.
For now, please pray with us. We KNOW that there is power in prayer!! For the most part, we are calm and at peace. I do have moments when I feel completely overwhelmed with fear, but those are few and I'm usually able to calm down when I meditate on God's Word and His promises.
Here's a video of the BIG REVEAL. We had a small party to reveal the gender and name to the kiddos. Papa and Nana Mathes and the Tunstill family was with us. Too bad that all of our family and friends could not be there for this big event. It was so very fun!!!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
14 Weeks 1 Day
Today I am 14 weeks 1 day. Our ultrasound showed a picture perfect healthy baby!! Baby measured exactly right - 14 weeks 1 day. Heartrate was 173 bpm. Baby was moving all around.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers. It really means to so much to know that people are praying for us and for Baby!!
It's late and I'm exhausted, but I will try to post again very soon!!
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