"It's Hard"

So I've mentioned that I went to a Mom's retreat this past weekend. This was my second time to go. I went last year for the first time and was forever changed at that one. The retreat is put on by the leadership of our homeschool group, and it's specifically for homeschool moms. But, the information and knowledge I've gained would benefit any mom.

Our focus was on Philippians 4:8. In addition to looking at scripture, we went through a small book called, "In the Arena of the Mind" by John Vandegriff. So far, I'm finding it to be a really good book. It's also a small easy to read book. As a group we touched on points throughout the entire book, but now I'm reading it all the way through on my own.

One thing that has really stuck out to me so far is in Chapter 3 of the book, the author says that in his high school yearbook the phrase he was noted as being the most known for was, "I got gypped." He says that he didn't realize that he said it that much, but apparently he said it often enough that people associated him with that phrase. It made him realize how full of self-pity he was.

So that led me to evaluated my own phrase. What would it be? What phrase do I say or think all the time? What phrase would others associate with me? This little exercise stung. Pretty quickly I realized my phrase. It is, "It's hard."

I say or think it a lot! Just realizing it really hurt, because it revealed my own discontentment and self-pity. I'm living my dream, but yet I'm constantly complaining about it. I say, "it's hard having 4 children". "It's hard being pregnant." "It's hard to homeschool." "It's hard to live in such a small house." "It's hard having it tough financially." And of course pretty much everyone I know will pat me on the back and so, "Oh, I know sweetie. You're right. Bless your heart."

Having a large family has been my dream since I was a little girl. More than that, I truly wholeheartedly believe it's mine and Wesley's calling. He agrees. Then the alternative to not being pregnant is not being pregnant. At times, that has been a devastating reality. Pregnancy is a gift. And to have been pregnant so easily so many times is a gift. And to be this far along with a healthy baby is a gift. As far as homeschooling goes, it's our choice. We want to do it. It is rewarding. It is a privilege. And once again, we believe it's our calling. Our house is small, but that offers many benefits too. It's easy to keep up with what everyone is doing. I almost always know what's going on. It doesn't have stairs. (I prefer not to have stairs in my home. Just a personal preference.) It's easy to clean. We live on a great lot with a great yard on a great cul-de-sac with great neighbors. And, it's bigger than some. It meets our needs. And as far as the finances go, we never really do with out. God has been so faithful in providing. YET, I complain. I complain about it all.

What does it mean to say that this life is my dream and my calling, and then complain about it? Such ingratitude. So ugly. Ugh!!

Well it stung to realize this several days ago. But, today as been one of those days. "It has been hard." It's one thing to think about it and be disgusted, but another to be in the midst of it and be disgusted. In the back on my mind, I've been fully aware of how I need to take my thoughts captive, to not be ruled by my emotions, do be grateful, content, BUT I've failed miserably. I've walked around, prepared meals, read to and rocked my baby, schooled children, and more all the while I've been grumbling and complaining in my spirit.

I often have the kids give me a grateful list when they develop the attitude I've had today. But, I fail to do the same thing myself.

I've decided to work on and prepare my mental grateful list and consider the alternatives when I find myself in the situation. This was suggested at the Mom's retreat, and I think it's suggested in the book as well. I also want to replace this line with a new one. One that I can be proud to be known for. I'm still trying to decide what that phrase might be. I'm considering a few options. So maybe when I begin to think, "Woe is me, my life is so hard", I can train my mind to instantly come back with, "BUT He is so good and faithful to me."

So, that's been my day today. It's ugly, but we were also reminded this past weekend to be grateful for conviction because that leads us to change. I know that change will be "hard", but so worth it!

This is just one little nugget that came from this weekend. I hope to share more at another time. Two of my girlfriends have also wrote about the retreat on their blogs. If you are interested, click on their blogs from my blog list on the right side "Houseful of Rodgers" and "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms."