May It Not Be in Vain

Today was hard. I cried so much today. I felt angry, confused, stressed, tired, and I felt sorry for myself. Thankfully, it's minutes away from midnight and the day is almost over. I'm writing from my bed with all the lights off. In just a few minutes, I will lay down and pull the covers up and today will be all done! I know it's not good to end a day being so glad it's over. I know we should consider each day a gift, appreciate it, and not take it for granted. Some days, that's hard to do.

There were blessings in this day. I managed to prepare breakfast for me and the kids. We ate out for lunch and had dinner with friends, so thankfully breakfast was the only meal I had to prepare. I did not get angry or yell at my children. I've been doing that some lately. I got myself and all four children ready and managed to run some errands. We enjoyed dinner and company at the home of some great friends. In the midst of my pain and without wanting to, I praised Him! I did not feel like praising Him, but I did it anyway. I was told that's what it means to offer a sacrifice of praise and that when we praise Him even when we don't feel like it, our feelings eventually follow. I know there were so many other blessings in this day that I've mentioned. The day was not all bad. There is a difference between the day being a hard day and the day being a bad day. It was hard, not necessarily bad.

I feel like people may be getting tired of hearing the doom and gloom, but I'm trying to be real and honest. It's where I'm at, it's how I feel right now. One day I want to be able to look back on all of this and see how far the Lord has brought me. I do feel like I took some baby steps in the right direction today. One of the things that helped me today was parts of Psalm 18:

1. I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.

2. The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

3. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

4. The sorrows of death compassed me...

6. In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

19. He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

My prayer right now is this, that God would bring me to a place where I can say, "not my will, but thine, be done.", that I would desire Him and desire to love, honor, serve, and glorify Him more than I desire anything He could give me, more than I desire my own way, that he would bring me to a place of contentment, that I would be grateful to Him for all He's already done and all He's going to do, that I would trust His plan is better than mine, and that I would know how much He loves me.

Lord, if I walk away from all of this without that prayer being answered, it was in vain. Please don't let it be in vain! Be Glorified!