Joshua Dailey Minor

Joshua Dailey Minor was born one week ago today on Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 9:27 AM. He weighed 1.4 ozs and was 5 inches long. This is the story of his short life.

I found out I was pregnant on March 9th. There harldy any greater news in the Minor household than news of a new baby on the way. Wesley and I were so excited! I was also very anxious. Anxious about whether or not the timing was right, anxious about our finances, anxious about how my doctor/family/friends would receive the news. At first Wesley and I kept the news mostly to ourselves. We shared the news with a some close friends, but wanted to wait a while to tell everyone else. As I mentioned, I was especially concerned with how people would receive the news. We had our share of trouble in the past, and many people simply do not understand our desire to have more children. We also wanted to make sure everything was going well before sharing the news with our other kids. It was hard to keep the secret, especially with the kids. It seemed they could just pick up on it. It didn't take long for all those anxious feelings to be replaced with pure joy, excitement, and anticipation.

It seemed the pregnancy could not be off to a better start. From the beginning, everything look great on with my lab work and ultrasounds. My doctor was very supportive and encouraging. We finally began sharing the news after our second doctor's appointment and ultrasound. For the most part, everyone was very happy for us and received the news well. We did have some people share concerns. The kids were so thrilled! They told everyone they came in contact with and talked about our new baby almost constantly! Grace even said she had been praying for a new baby and God had answered her prayers.

All the kids agreed we needed another boy baby. I reminded the kids that we should be grateful either way. But in my heart, I felt like the baby was indeed a boy. With all of our babies except one, I have felt like God impressed upon my heart what we were having (and my impression has been right every time). With Bella Peace, I did not really have a feeling either way. I believe I did not have that same impression with Bella Peace, because I was not surrendered to what God had for us. I so desperately wanted a boy when I was pregnant with her. Not only did I not have that "feeling", we also had a hard time finding out her gender by ultrasound. I feel God did not allow us to find out her gender until I eventually surrendered my desire for a boy. I think that desire was so great at that time, because I had just lost two boys. Regardless, this time, I was ready either way. But, I did feel like we were going to have a boy.

As of May 20th, I was 15 weeks. Even though I still had a long way to go, we were past the critical 1st trimester. And, boy oh boy, were we ever making plans. Wesley and I talked about baby names all the time. Luke talked about playing football with a little brother. Grace couldn't wait to hold the baby and asked all the time, "how much longer until the baby is born." Mary Ruth was happy that Bella Peace would get to be big sister. We began the morning of May 20th so eager and excited to go to the doctor for a check up. I was scheduled for an appointment and ultrasound. Mary Ruth had a dentist appointment at almost the same time. We decided that I would take Luke, Grace, and Bella Peace with me to my appointment while Wesley took Mary Ruth to her dentist appointment. Luke and Grace were so excited that they would get to see our baby on ultrasound. I never had one moment of apprehension about taking them with me to the appointment, because everything had been going so well.

Minutes into that appointment, I knew everything had changed. I played it very cool not wanting to upset the kids. I sent a text message to Wesley that said, "something not right." The ultrasound tech would not discuss the ultrasound with me, but I knew there was something seriously wrong. After a few minutes, Dr. Conrad came into my room and his face said it all. "It doesn't look like the baby is going to live." I guess having the kids with me was a blessing. I think if I had not had them with me, someone would have had to sweep me off the floor. Instead, I calmly made plans for a recheck the next day. I cannot express the shock and disbelief I felt, I still feel. I still cannot believe this has happened.

I met up with Wesley a few minutes later to discuss the appointment in greater detail. We stood outside the van and talked. We both knew that the news was bad, very bad. I dropped the kids off with a friend and went home. I spent the next several hours praying, crying, making calls, and just trying to process what I had heard. The next morning after what seemed like the longest time ever in the waiting room, Dr. Conrad repeated the ultrasound. It revealed what we feared. Sometime in the 24 hours that passed between appointments, our baby entered heaven. I know that should give me some level of comfort, and it does on some level. But, I still can't help but want it the other way. I want to still be pregnant. I want to still be dreaming, planning, preparing. I want my baby boy in my arms. It's been a week now, a very busy week. And all the plans are finished. Instead of planning for new life, we've made plans for a funeral and even carried them out. It's over, all done. I can't help, but think what now. What am I suppose to do now? I don't really feel like carrying on with my normal business. I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't even feel like playing with our other kids. I know, I know, I should appreciate them even more. I should be so grateful. I am. It just takes time to get back into the swing of things, and as a mother there is no time. Everyone and everything demands your all right now.

I wanted tell Joshua's life story. I fear I've gone off tract here. The time that followed finding out we had lost Joshua and now has been filled with many ups and downs. At the times I've needed it most, God has supplied me with the grace I needed to carried on. He has been gracious to answer several prayer request, including allowing me to deliver Joshua. That provided us with the opportunity to see him and hold him. He also graced me with a quick delivery. We were admitted into Huntsville Hospital at 10:00 PM on Monday, May 25th. Upon being admitted we requested one final ultrasound. We were holding out for the supernatural miracle. We prayed that we would see a healthy baby. We believe in the God that could have preformed that miracle, but in His sovereignty chose not to. I received my first dose of medication to induce labor at 12:20 AM. I only required two doses before Joshua was born. We were expecting a very long day, but things progressed quickly.

As a family, we've still managed to share some good times this week. We've shared some hard times, too. As I've mentioned, telling the kids the news was so hard. They were devastated, simply devastated. Wesley and I made sure to involve them and help them understand as best we could. On Thursday, we took them to the funeral home to explain the process, to show them the casket (not the baby), and allowed them to put some gifts in the casket. They have been to a couple funerals in the past, so they had some idea what to expect. On Friday, we had a funeral. It was just our family. Wesley read some scripture. We all prayed. We talk through the entire process. And we sang. At first it was a very sad time, but by the time it was over the kids were singing and dancing. I had a friend say to me, isn't that the way you want a funeral to be, singing and dancing, rejoicing. I guess she's right.

Another thing we did was to buy a little blue and white musical lamb. When you wind it, it plays "Jesus Loves Me." Wesley and I have told the kids they could cuddle the lamb and listen to the music and think of Joshua. It's been good therapy for them. They call it their, "Joshua lamb." They really love this little lamb. We've told them that our Joshua is Jesus' lamb now. We all really miss our "Joshua lamb". We loved him before we knew him. We know that our Father loves Him even more. We will always love him, and we look forward to the day that we will meet him again. Joshua's life was short, very short. But I know that God's plan for his short life is big, bigger than I can understand right now.

Joshua Dailey Minor, "Joshua" because Wesley loves the name and he loves the person Joshua in the Bible was and because it was his turn to have his pick of names! :) "Dailey" because it is my maiden name. We have a tradition of giving a biblical name and a family name to all of our children. Also "Dailey" to honor my Daddy. Just a little over a year ago, my Daddy accepted Jesus Christ after an accident that almost claimed his life. Since that time, he has been the grandfather I dreamed of for our children. I'm so proud of him! A good friend reminded us that the name Joshua is a form of the name Jesus (I think that's what I heard, I haven't really check this out myself.) He pointed out that "Joshua Dailey" is like saying "Jesus daily" as in that's what we all need! Isn't that something! I think that's pretty neat. If you read this far, thanks! I'm pleased to share the details of our Joshua's life with anyone interested in hearing!

Joshua Dailey Minor
May 26, 2009