Today

Today I am very tired. Wednesday is the day we learned there might be a problem. Just the shock and the waiting and the anxiety of what might be happening was exhausting. I slept better than I expected Wednesday night. I learned yesterday that was because several good friends did not sleep, but instead were awake most of the night praying for us. I'm so grateful for good friends. Even though I slept better than I expected Wednesday night, I did wake up several times. Then yesterday started very early and was a very full and busy day. I liked it that way though. Yesterday, I had a lot of things going on to keep me busy and keep my mind off the circumstances. Last night I actually slept pretty well. But, today I am so tired. And, there are no distractions. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It seems I cannot escape the reality of the fact, I am carrying a baby that is no longer living and in a few days I will lose even that connection.

I would really like to escape the reality of it all. I wish I could have just stayed in bed all day and slept the day away. Or I wish I could just go on about my day and pretend this is not happening. I wish I could just quit thinking about all I have to do to be ready to go to the hospital Monday night, or all the arrangements I have to make after the baby is born. I wish when I passed by a mirror in my house I did not notice that I've started to look pregnant. I've been dreaming and making plans for this baby for more than 10 weeks now, thinking ahead about our next school year, Christmas, winter, what kind of baby items I need, whether it would be a boy or girl, what we would name it, etc. I wish I could stop thinking about all the things that have changed now. I wish I could stop thinking about what this means for the future of our family. I wish we never had to tell the kids they had lost another sibling.

We did have to tell the kids today. They took it hard. Each of them cried hard for quite a while. Grace was the worst. She talked about how sad she was that she could never see the baby or hold the baby and about how much she wanted a new baby. Mary Ruth was sad that Bella Peace isn't going to get to be a bigger sister. Luke cried, but kept his thoughts to himself for now. He's more likely to save his thoughts/questions for when it's just me and him when I tuck him in tonight. Even though he didn't say a lot, you could tell he was devastated. It broke mine and Wesley's heart to see their broken hearts. Grace had actually been praying on her own for another baby for a while when we told her we were going to have a baby. These children love each other so much and were so excited about a new sibling. With our other two losses, they were either too young to understand or to express their pain this way. It was really very sad.


So the reality is, this is reality. I cannot escape it. I cannot runaway for it. I cannot sleep it away. Sometimes, I do stop thinking about it for a minute or two and then something reminds me and it's almost like I cannot believe this is happening again. Really, I can't believe this is happening AGAIN! I know that I'm not the only one that's ever suffered tragedy. And I know that this pales in comparison to some other things that people have suffered. But, I guess it still surprises you when it happens. Anyway, that's how today is going. It's the days like today when I am at home just doing regular stuff that the reality hits hardest. I know there will be many more days like today.

Thanks so much for your love, support, encouragement, and prayers!

Love,
Jennifer