I feel like God has revealed some big things to me in the past 24 hours. One day I hope to share more about those things. Sometime in the the next few days, I will be sharing more details about our time in the hospital and about meeting the baby boy we named Joshua Dailey Minor. For now, I just going to post the emails we sent to update family and friends.
UPDATE # 1 TUESDAY MORNING
It actually has been a pretty rough morning for Jennifer. After a restful night she had a bad reaction to the pain medication they gave her at about 7am. She also had a significant drop in her blood pressure which also caused her problems and required treatment.
However, after those two issues were resolved God blessed her with a very quick delivery of the baby at about 9:30am. We were preparing for sometime tonight if at all. So it was much earlier than we planned. It was a boy, as we were suspecting. We named him Joshua Dailey. We are so relieved that the delivery went so smoothly. An answered prayer, praise God!! She still has some issues that need to be resolved and this may still require surgery so be in prayer about that. But we are so blessed we are able to see and hold the baby.
Jennifer welcomes visitors.
To God be the glory.
We love you,
Wesley and Jennifer
UPDATE # 2 WEDNESDAY NIGHT
We are home. Yesterday was almost a blur. So much happened and so fast. The surgery Wesley referred to was a D&C, which I did end up having yesterday afternoon.
Many have asked if we plan to have any type service for Joshua as we did for Samuel and Isaiah. We have planned a small grave side service. However since our kids are a little older this time and understand so much better what has occurred, we plan to have our immediate family only. We feel this will put us in a better position to help them understand and deal the grief they are experiencing.
Thank you so much for each and every call, email, visit, kind word, card, thought, and prayer you all have offered on our behalf. God has heard and answered these prayers. We are doing well and happy to be home.
Love,
Jennifer
I wanted to post those updates here because this blog is my journal more than anything else.
God really answered our prayers in allowing me to be able to give birth to Joshua, and He threw in the really quick part just because He can! We are still praying to get the results and some answers from genetic testing. We should get the results in 3 or 4 weeks. As I get time in the next few days, I will share more details. This is it for tonight.
Love,
Jennifer
Quote
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Admitted
We are checked into the hospital, and the induction is now officially underway. Arriving was hard, as we had anticipated. We have a super incredible nurse, Tasha, who is taking such tender care of us. We've just finished taking care of all the admission stuff, and I have taken the first dose of the medication for the induction. We requested one final look at the baby before getting started just to be sure. Knowing that He is able, we prayed God had done the supernatural. It was not to be.
It's true He gives you the grace when you need it. Our spirits are high and we are doing OK at this hour. We will update as we have news and are able.
Thanks for your prayers.
Love,
Jennifer
It's true He gives you the grace when you need it. Our spirits are high and we are doing OK at this hour. We will update as we have news and are able.
Thanks for your prayers.
Love,
Jennifer
Sunday, May 24, 2009
If I were to write a Psalm today...
...it would go something like this...
Lord, why have You forsaken me? Why have You abandoned me? You are the Creator of life. It was You that created life within me, but chose not to sustain that life. It was You, that gave me the desire to be with child, but now I'm left brokenhearted and longing. Why Lord are You not near to me? When will you shower Your peace and mercy upon me? When will You comfort me? Why Lord are You silent? Why are You not present with me? I cry out to You all day and all night and yet I do not hear you answer me?
Though I am weary and brokenhearted. Though I am longing and in deep sorrow. I will still seek You Lord. You have indeed rescued me in my times of trouble. I know this to me true. I trust You to rescue me once again. I will chose to praise you even in this. Hear my cries for help, O Lord. Restore joy to me, Lord. I will trust in You! O Lord, give me a new song. Give me a song of praise and not of sorrow. Remember me Lord. Remember me with Lord love, mercy, and peace.
My sins against You are many, constant, and daily. Thank you for Your forgiveness. Thank You for salvation. Thank you for Your hand on my life and for the many blessings You have given me. Help me to find my delight in You alone on Lord.
Or you know, something like that.
Today:
Today has been bad. I did not want to go to church this morning. I did not want to sing praise songs today. It took all I had to sing "He is Good". To be honest, I can't say that right now I feel it in my heart. I know it's true in my head. I do. I can remember all the ways He has been good to me in the past. I know I would not exist at all without Him. I make my "grateful list" over and over in my head. But, it's not sticking. I feel so hurt. I cannot seem to focus on anything but the hurt.
Shortly after we first learned we had lost the first child we lost, Samuel, I spoke to Pam Brassart on the phone. She gave me such great advice. I remember her reminding me that this was a good opportunity to show others the hope I had in Jesus. That helped me so much. I focused so much on that hope and in demonstrating it. I used every opportunity to share Jesus with others through that experience. The nurses, the hospital staff, friends, family. We had a wonderful graveside service. I felt like all that gave Samuel's life and our loss purpose.
I am not there this time. I am so struggling with why God has allowed this to happen again. I know this is wrong on so many levels. I know that thought is rooted in pride and selfishness. I know how ungrateful I sound, but I cannot get pasted it. I feel like God is not being good to me. I feel like He has forsaken me. I feel angry and confused. I feel like all of this is so cruel and unjust. I'm finding it so hard to put on a smile and tell people how great the Lord has been to me, how faithful He's been, how I know His plan is perfect, and He has a purpose it allowing this. I know all this is true in my head. I just don't feel it in my heart. So where's the purpose this time? Why? I have had great counsel over the past few days. I know it does no good to ask why, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to accept it.
At a mom's retreat I attended this past February, I heard a quote that has stuck with me. It said, "I will accept what He gives, lack what He withholds, and relinquish what He takes." (I don't remember the author.) I do really great at accepting the things He gives, so long as it's what I want. But I am having a really hard time with the rest of that. I've asked myself if this keeps happening because there's a lesson that I'm not getting. It there's something He's trying to build in me or develop in me, and I'm just not getting it. I think the answer could be yes. I know there are lots of lessons I've yet to get. But, surely I'm getting closer. Surely there's another way for me to get the lesson.
I don't really know how to transition this tonight. You know, wrap it up pretty and profound. This is all I've got tonight, my ramblings, complaining, venting, questions, frustration, disappointment, and hurt. At this moment, that's where I'm at. So if anyone is reading, here's a few specific prayer request in addition to all those you spotted on your own through this post:
1. I go into the hospital tomorrow night at 10:00 PM. I know from times past, walking into that hospital is the hardest step in this process. Even as I write that, tears stream down. I will walk in the hospital carrying a baby that we've grown to love so much. My belly is round and although that's sometimes a painful reminder that we've lost this baby, it's also proof of the baby's life. He/she had life here on earth, and I have been privileged to carry that life within me. We loved him/her and still do. This is all the holding I get to do. Upon leaving that hospital, it's all over this side of heaven. Pray for peace that passes understanding as we arrive tomorrow.
2. Pray that delivery is successful, smooth, and easy on Tuesday. Pray I will not require more intervention than I desire.
3. Pray that testing done on the baby is successful and provides us with much desired answers so that we will be able to make good decisions in the future.
4. Continue to pray for our entire family. Luke and Grace understand enough this time to also be brokenhearted, but also have a lot of questions that we can't give the answers to. Pray that they will be healthy and well and will behave well at the Brock's while we are in the hospital. Pray for the Heather and Jason Brock (especially Heather as she will have them by herself a lot of the time, of course she's a pro by now since she's had a lot of experience at keeping our children) as they take on the added responsibility of keeping our children.
Thanks for the love and encouragement,
Jennifer
Lord, why have You forsaken me? Why have You abandoned me? You are the Creator of life. It was You that created life within me, but chose not to sustain that life. It was You, that gave me the desire to be with child, but now I'm left brokenhearted and longing. Why Lord are You not near to me? When will you shower Your peace and mercy upon me? When will You comfort me? Why Lord are You silent? Why are You not present with me? I cry out to You all day and all night and yet I do not hear you answer me?
Though I am weary and brokenhearted. Though I am longing and in deep sorrow. I will still seek You Lord. You have indeed rescued me in my times of trouble. I know this to me true. I trust You to rescue me once again. I will chose to praise you even in this. Hear my cries for help, O Lord. Restore joy to me, Lord. I will trust in You! O Lord, give me a new song. Give me a song of praise and not of sorrow. Remember me Lord. Remember me with Lord love, mercy, and peace.
My sins against You are many, constant, and daily. Thank you for Your forgiveness. Thank You for salvation. Thank you for Your hand on my life and for the many blessings You have given me. Help me to find my delight in You alone on Lord.
Or you know, something like that.
Today:
Today has been bad. I did not want to go to church this morning. I did not want to sing praise songs today. It took all I had to sing "He is Good". To be honest, I can't say that right now I feel it in my heart. I know it's true in my head. I do. I can remember all the ways He has been good to me in the past. I know I would not exist at all without Him. I make my "grateful list" over and over in my head. But, it's not sticking. I feel so hurt. I cannot seem to focus on anything but the hurt.
Shortly after we first learned we had lost the first child we lost, Samuel, I spoke to Pam Brassart on the phone. She gave me such great advice. I remember her reminding me that this was a good opportunity to show others the hope I had in Jesus. That helped me so much. I focused so much on that hope and in demonstrating it. I used every opportunity to share Jesus with others through that experience. The nurses, the hospital staff, friends, family. We had a wonderful graveside service. I felt like all that gave Samuel's life and our loss purpose.
I am not there this time. I am so struggling with why God has allowed this to happen again. I know this is wrong on so many levels. I know that thought is rooted in pride and selfishness. I know how ungrateful I sound, but I cannot get pasted it. I feel like God is not being good to me. I feel like He has forsaken me. I feel angry and confused. I feel like all of this is so cruel and unjust. I'm finding it so hard to put on a smile and tell people how great the Lord has been to me, how faithful He's been, how I know His plan is perfect, and He has a purpose it allowing this. I know all this is true in my head. I just don't feel it in my heart. So where's the purpose this time? Why? I have had great counsel over the past few days. I know it does no good to ask why, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to accept it.
At a mom's retreat I attended this past February, I heard a quote that has stuck with me. It said, "I will accept what He gives, lack what He withholds, and relinquish what He takes." (I don't remember the author.) I do really great at accepting the things He gives, so long as it's what I want. But I am having a really hard time with the rest of that. I've asked myself if this keeps happening because there's a lesson that I'm not getting. It there's something He's trying to build in me or develop in me, and I'm just not getting it. I think the answer could be yes. I know there are lots of lessons I've yet to get. But, surely I'm getting closer. Surely there's another way for me to get the lesson.
I don't really know how to transition this tonight. You know, wrap it up pretty and profound. This is all I've got tonight, my ramblings, complaining, venting, questions, frustration, disappointment, and hurt. At this moment, that's where I'm at. So if anyone is reading, here's a few specific prayer request in addition to all those you spotted on your own through this post:
1. I go into the hospital tomorrow night at 10:00 PM. I know from times past, walking into that hospital is the hardest step in this process. Even as I write that, tears stream down. I will walk in the hospital carrying a baby that we've grown to love so much. My belly is round and although that's sometimes a painful reminder that we've lost this baby, it's also proof of the baby's life. He/she had life here on earth, and I have been privileged to carry that life within me. We loved him/her and still do. This is all the holding I get to do. Upon leaving that hospital, it's all over this side of heaven. Pray for peace that passes understanding as we arrive tomorrow.
2. Pray that delivery is successful, smooth, and easy on Tuesday. Pray I will not require more intervention than I desire.
3. Pray that testing done on the baby is successful and provides us with much desired answers so that we will be able to make good decisions in the future.
4. Continue to pray for our entire family. Luke and Grace understand enough this time to also be brokenhearted, but also have a lot of questions that we can't give the answers to. Pray that they will be healthy and well and will behave well at the Brock's while we are in the hospital. Pray for the Heather and Jason Brock (especially Heather as she will have them by herself a lot of the time, of course she's a pro by now since she's had a lot of experience at keeping our children) as they take on the added responsibility of keeping our children.
Thanks for the love and encouragement,
Jennifer
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Disbelief
I've been so tired all day, but am I asleep at nearly 2:30 AM? No, because now when I should be fast asleep I can't sleep. I just cannot sleep. There aren't words to express how sad I feel. I miss my baby. I can't believe he/she is gone. I just can't believe it.
Lord, I need you now. I am brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. I feel so sad and lonely. You've promised to be near me at this time. Be near me now, and give me sleep.
Lord, I need you now. I am brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. I feel so sad and lonely. You've promised to be near me at this time. Be near me now, and give me sleep.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Today
Today I am very tired. Wednesday is the day we learned there might be a problem. Just the shock and the waiting and the anxiety of what might be happening was exhausting. I slept better than I expected Wednesday night. I learned yesterday that was because several good friends did not sleep, but instead were awake most of the night praying for us. I'm so grateful for good friends. Even though I slept better than I expected Wednesday night, I did wake up several times. Then yesterday started very early and was a very full and busy day. I liked it that way though. Yesterday, I had a lot of things going on to keep me busy and keep my mind off the circumstances. Last night I actually slept pretty well. But, today I am so tired. And, there are no distractions. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It seems I cannot escape the reality of the fact, I am carrying a baby that is no longer living and in a few days I will lose even that connection.
I would really like to escape the reality of it all. I wish I could have just stayed in bed all day and slept the day away. Or I wish I could just go on about my day and pretend this is not happening. I wish I could just quit thinking about all I have to do to be ready to go to the hospital Monday night, or all the arrangements I have to make after the baby is born. I wish when I passed by a mirror in my house I did not notice that I've started to look pregnant. I've been dreaming and making plans for this baby for more than 10 weeks now, thinking ahead about our next school year, Christmas, winter, what kind of baby items I need, whether it would be a boy or girl, what we would name it, etc. I wish I could stop thinking about all the things that have changed now. I wish I could stop thinking about what this means for the future of our family. I wish we never had to tell the kids they had lost another sibling.
We did have to tell the kids today. They took it hard. Each of them cried hard for quite a while. Grace was the worst. She talked about how sad she was that she could never see the baby or hold the baby and about how much she wanted a new baby. Mary Ruth was sad that Bella Peace isn't going to get to be a bigger sister. Luke cried, but kept his thoughts to himself for now. He's more likely to save his thoughts/questions for when it's just me and him when I tuck him in tonight. Even though he didn't say a lot, you could tell he was devastated. It broke mine and Wesley's heart to see their broken hearts. Grace had actually been praying on her own for another baby for a while when we told her we were going to have a baby. These children love each other so much and were so excited about a new sibling. With our other two losses, they were either too young to understand or to express their pain this way. It was really very sad.
So the reality is, this is reality. I cannot escape it. I cannot runaway for it. I cannot sleep it away. Sometimes, I do stop thinking about it for a minute or two and then something reminds me and it's almost like I cannot believe this is happening again. Really, I can't believe this is happening AGAIN! I know that I'm not the only one that's ever suffered tragedy. And I know that this pales in comparison to some other things that people have suffered. But, I guess it still surprises you when it happens. Anyway, that's how today is going. It's the days like today when I am at home just doing regular stuff that the reality hits hardest. I know there will be many more days like today.
Thanks so much for your love, support, encouragement, and prayers!
Love,
Jennifer
I would really like to escape the reality of it all. I wish I could have just stayed in bed all day and slept the day away. Or I wish I could just go on about my day and pretend this is not happening. I wish I could just quit thinking about all I have to do to be ready to go to the hospital Monday night, or all the arrangements I have to make after the baby is born. I wish when I passed by a mirror in my house I did not notice that I've started to look pregnant. I've been dreaming and making plans for this baby for more than 10 weeks now, thinking ahead about our next school year, Christmas, winter, what kind of baby items I need, whether it would be a boy or girl, what we would name it, etc. I wish I could stop thinking about all the things that have changed now. I wish I could stop thinking about what this means for the future of our family. I wish we never had to tell the kids they had lost another sibling.
We did have to tell the kids today. They took it hard. Each of them cried hard for quite a while. Grace was the worst. She talked about how sad she was that she could never see the baby or hold the baby and about how much she wanted a new baby. Mary Ruth was sad that Bella Peace isn't going to get to be a bigger sister. Luke cried, but kept his thoughts to himself for now. He's more likely to save his thoughts/questions for when it's just me and him when I tuck him in tonight. Even though he didn't say a lot, you could tell he was devastated. It broke mine and Wesley's heart to see their broken hearts. Grace had actually been praying on her own for another baby for a while when we told her we were going to have a baby. These children love each other so much and were so excited about a new sibling. With our other two losses, they were either too young to understand or to express their pain this way. It was really very sad.
So the reality is, this is reality. I cannot escape it. I cannot runaway for it. I cannot sleep it away. Sometimes, I do stop thinking about it for a minute or two and then something reminds me and it's almost like I cannot believe this is happening again. Really, I can't believe this is happening AGAIN! I know that I'm not the only one that's ever suffered tragedy. And I know that this pales in comparison to some other things that people have suffered. But, I guess it still surprises you when it happens. Anyway, that's how today is going. It's the days like today when I am at home just doing regular stuff that the reality hits hardest. I know there will be many more days like today.
Thanks so much for your love, support, encouragement, and prayers!
Love,
Jennifer
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Miracle
I want to start by saying, this blog is my source of therapy right now. I am writing this mostly for myself. Hopefully God can and will use it in other ways. In the past, I have found it very helpful to journal as I have walk through hard times. You see, I know all the "stuff" in my head that I need to know, but sometimes it's hard to feel it in my heart. Writing what's in my head, thinking about what I know to be truth, helps me to remember that truth, and it seems to help get it into my heart. I hope that makes some sense. Now, onto "the miracle"...
...in my last post, I said that each time I woke up last night I prayed that God would let our baby live. Shortly after writing that, as I continued to pray, God spoke to me. What He said was, "Your baby will live!" I was filled with peace, because I knew that He was right. No matter what the results of the doctor's visit, our baby would live - either in heaven or on earth. A couple hours later we learned our baby had been born into heaven sometime between 9:30 AM yesterday and 9:30 AM today. This was not as we had hoped or planned, but we find comfort in knowing it was our Father's perfect plan. And, this is our miracle. Our baby is alive right now in heaven!
The miracle doesn't stop there. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Because of the free gift of salvation available to all who believe, we will see this baby again. In 2 Samuel 12:23, David says of the child he has lost, "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." Tonight I am thankful for the promise of eternal life, the promise of a reunion with children I never knew outside my womb, but love so dearly.
We don't know why this has happened, but we know God has a good plan for our lives. We know He loves us. We know that He will use it for our benefit, and for His glory. We know these truths, but it doesn't take away the pain.
We know that so many are praying for us and we greatly appreciate all your prayers. We will go into the hospital late Monday night and will be induced early Tuesday morning. Please pray for a successful and easy labor and delivery. Pray that genetic testing done on the baby will provide us with answers that will help guide our future decisions. Pray for God to heal our broken hearts. We know that He is able.
Love,
Jennifer
...in my last post, I said that each time I woke up last night I prayed that God would let our baby live. Shortly after writing that, as I continued to pray, God spoke to me. What He said was, "Your baby will live!" I was filled with peace, because I knew that He was right. No matter what the results of the doctor's visit, our baby would live - either in heaven or on earth. A couple hours later we learned our baby had been born into heaven sometime between 9:30 AM yesterday and 9:30 AM today. This was not as we had hoped or planned, but we find comfort in knowing it was our Father's perfect plan. And, this is our miracle. Our baby is alive right now in heaven!
The miracle doesn't stop there. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." Because of the free gift of salvation available to all who believe, we will see this baby again. In 2 Samuel 12:23, David says of the child he has lost, "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." Tonight I am thankful for the promise of eternal life, the promise of a reunion with children I never knew outside my womb, but love so dearly.
We don't know why this has happened, but we know God has a good plan for our lives. We know He loves us. We know that He will use it for our benefit, and for His glory. We know these truths, but it doesn't take away the pain.
We know that so many are praying for us and we greatly appreciate all your prayers. We will go into the hospital late Monday night and will be induced early Tuesday morning. Please pray for a successful and easy labor and delivery. Pray that genetic testing done on the baby will provide us with answers that will help guide our future decisions. Pray for God to heal our broken hearts. We know that He is able.
Love,
Jennifer
Bless the Lord, O my soul
I think I'm prepared for the worst, but praying for the best. Either way, I think I will know much more in the next 2 hours. I slept better than expected, but still woke up many times during the night. Each time I woke up, I pleaded with God to let our baby live. Waiting is so hard. I could not wait for morning to come. Morning is here, and sleep was good for me. Spending time in Psalms last night was also good to me. There are so many great Psalms, so much comfort to be found. I've been reminder of how good the Lord has been to me, and this morning I choose to praise Him.
Psalm 103:1-5
Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Prayerfully my next report will be of a miracle!
Love,
Jennifer
Psalm 103:1-5
Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Prayerfully my next report will be of a miracle!
Love,
Jennifer
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Joy comes in the morning...
...that's what scripture says. But will it? Will joy come tomorrow morning? Will it be many more mornings before I feel joy again? I've not posted in a really long time. Seems there's never enough time. But I don't want to take a chance on missing out on an opportunity to document this journey. Most who read this blog will know my history. I am married to the greatest guy on the planet. We have 4 beautiful children on earth, and I have at least 2 children waiting on us in heaven. The two children I lost were to miscarriages, both in the second trimester. We had Luke, Grace, and Mary Ruth in mostly uneventful, normal, healthy pregnancies. Then we lost Samuel at 19 weeks, and Isaiah at 15-16 weeks. We got pregnant again and had Bella Peace after quite an emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy. We feel that all our children are miracles and gifts from God. However in light of the losses, we discovered a new appreciation for the miracle of life.
About 10 weeks ago, we learned we were pregnant once more. This is our 7th pregnancy, and we hope will be the 5th child to come home to our family. Until today, we've had only good reports of healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, healthy mommy. That is until today. Today I went in for an appointment without any fear or concern that something might be wrong. I even took 3 of our 4 children to the doctor with me. I left the appointment feeling quite different. The ultrasound revealed a motionless, lifeless baby with an extremely low heart rate. My doctor believes the baby is dying. It is believed that the problems I've experienced in my pregnancies have always began around 14 weeks. I am currently about 14 weeks. We don't know for sure what is happening or why? I will be going back to the doctor tomorrow for a re-check. Was today a fluke? Was it just a bad ultrasound? Was the baby just in a bad position? Was the baby just experiencing a down time? Was the ultrasound just not working properly? Is our baby dying? Has our baby already died? Will this baby live here on this earth? Will our family get to know, love, hold, cuddle, this baby. Will me and Wesley and our children be devastated once again? Will God give us the miracle we desire? Are we suppose to have other children? Is our family complete? Why? Why? Why is this happening again? These are just a few of the questions that have plagued my mind today and will likely invade my sleep tonight? I feel I've coped pretty well in the past, but I'm not so sure how I will do this time around. This seems to get harder each time. I am weary and weak. In my head I have all the knowledge of God's great love, goodness, and mercy, and how He intends this for my good, and how He will carry me through this, and all those things, but tonight I'm struggling with knowing this is my heart. Oh, Lord, I believe, now please heal me of my unbelief.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Weeping tonight, praying for the joy in the morning.
Love,
Jennifer
About 10 weeks ago, we learned we were pregnant once more. This is our 7th pregnancy, and we hope will be the 5th child to come home to our family. Until today, we've had only good reports of healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, healthy mommy. That is until today. Today I went in for an appointment without any fear or concern that something might be wrong. I even took 3 of our 4 children to the doctor with me. I left the appointment feeling quite different. The ultrasound revealed a motionless, lifeless baby with an extremely low heart rate. My doctor believes the baby is dying. It is believed that the problems I've experienced in my pregnancies have always began around 14 weeks. I am currently about 14 weeks. We don't know for sure what is happening or why? I will be going back to the doctor tomorrow for a re-check. Was today a fluke? Was it just a bad ultrasound? Was the baby just in a bad position? Was the baby just experiencing a down time? Was the ultrasound just not working properly? Is our baby dying? Has our baby already died? Will this baby live here on this earth? Will our family get to know, love, hold, cuddle, this baby. Will me and Wesley and our children be devastated once again? Will God give us the miracle we desire? Are we suppose to have other children? Is our family complete? Why? Why? Why is this happening again? These are just a few of the questions that have plagued my mind today and will likely invade my sleep tonight? I feel I've coped pretty well in the past, but I'm not so sure how I will do this time around. This seems to get harder each time. I am weary and weak. In my head I have all the knowledge of God's great love, goodness, and mercy, and how He intends this for my good, and how He will carry me through this, and all those things, but tonight I'm struggling with knowing this is my heart. Oh, Lord, I believe, now please heal me of my unbelief.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Weeping tonight, praying for the joy in the morning.
Love,
Jennifer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)